ennui

i have not been excited by anything in a long time. oh, sure, i get excited when we have pizza or if we order from essence of india or if there's a law and order marathon on, but in the grander scheme of life, i am a complete blank. i dropped the one class that made me feel like i was working towards something... whatever that is i don't know. i thought maybe i could use my extra time to do something with my art background, you know, be more creative. but i dropped my class and here i am... doing nothing. i sit on the couch and read blogs or books, watch TV or play solitaire, being unable to shake that feeling that i should be doing something "better" with my life. here are my three path options:

1. stay at this job, which doesn't derive me one iota of satisfaction. i have no authority, no power, no say in anything. there isn't anything i know that someone else also knows. i am not special in anyway. i drag myself to work every day, struggle to do my work and then drag myself home. i like the people i work with, i like most of the work. i can't quite figure out what i don't like about being here other than the stuff mentioned before.

2. i can break away from the steady paycheck and go into business for myself. this would require:
a. a complete overhaul of my laptop, which currently runs at a snails pace when you have more than one adobe program open at once. this will no do. we also don't have enough room for me to have a desktop. isn't that pathetic?
b. me to purchase $1700 worth of adobe programs OR figure out how to use the Intel side of my laptop processor, which i'm sure won't make it run any slower than it already does.
c. procuring clients. oh, i have lists of people i could contact. but i'm scared. and i feel like i really have nothing to offer them. not that i didn't freelance for 9 months in 2006, but it was really just for one client and me working at other peoples office's. not that getting up at 9am was a bad thing, but really defeats the purpose of being self-employed.

3. continue on my medical path and do... what, exactly? the older i get, the more scared i am of the unknown. what happens if i get this degree in (insert medical degree here) and it turns out i'm just as useless at that job as i was at design? what if my attitude fits in just as poorly in the medical community as it does in publishing? what if i never get promoted, just like in publishing? i guess if i get paid more, than i'd be fine with it. if i found some satisfaction in my work then i probably wouldn't care all that much. but this would require:
a. me leaving this job to go to school full time. not that i wouldn't LOVE to do that, but we can't afford it. well, really, you can afford anything you're willing to sacrifice for, but i have a husband to think about, and he probably isn't up to supporting me and him. not that we've ever crunched the numbers. oh, well.
b. paying for school. yeah, we just don't have enough debt these days.
c. that i decide what the f*ck i want to do in the medical field. i dream of going to med school. of course, that would probably ruin my marriage, since i would never see my husband. again, we've never talked about it.

if i were renting and/or still single, what would i do? i have no idea. probably exactly the same thing. there are too many options, but too many factors in each option that i am paralyzed with indecision. so i sit at this job that gives me no pleasure whatsoever and collect a paycheck. and i waste my life.