Guide to the Simpsons Treehouse of Horrors

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR I
Bad Dream House
The Simpsons move into a haunted house. When Marge forces the house to find a way to live in harmony, the house has other ideas.
Hungry are the Damned
Kang and Kodos are introduced in this episode that features the Simpsons being abducted. Lisa thinks the aliens are going to eat them, but her cynicism causes consternation.
The Raven
Edgar Allan Poe's classic tale with Marge and Lenore and Bart as the Raven.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR II
Lisa's Nightmare
A remake of The Monkey's Paw.
Homer's Nightmare
A remake of Frankenstein, where Burns attempts to make Homer into a perfect worker robot... sort of.
Bart's Nightmare
A remake of a classic Twilight Zone episode, where Bart can read minds.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR III
Clown Without Pity
Bart's birthday present turns out to be evil.
King Homer
A remake of King Kong, with Homer as the main character.
Dial Z for Zombie
Bart causes trouble when he raises the dead.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR IV
The Devil and Homer Simpson
Homer sells his soul for a donut, with hilarious consequences.
Nightmare at 5 1/2 Feet
Gremlins are taking the bus apart... and no one believes Bart.
Bart Simpson's Dracula
Burns is Dracula in this awesome remake.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR V
The Shinning
Another great remake with Homer as Jack Nicholson.
Time and Punishment
Homer fixes the toaster, which then serves as a portal through time.
Nightmare Cafeteria
Skinner and Lunch Lady Doris are killing kids and serving them up as school food.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR VI
Attack of the 50 Foot Eyesores
After Homer steals the Lard Lad's giant donut, all of the ad statues in town come to life and attack.
Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace
Groundskeeper Willie terrorizes kids in their dreams.
Homer3
Homer tries to hide from his sisters-in-law and finds himself in the third dimension.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR VII
The Thing and I
Bart finds out that he has a twin, who has some plans to rejoin them.
The Genesis Tub
Lisa grows a little society by accident using a baby tooth and soda.
Citizen Kang
Kang and Kodos steal the bodies of US leaders to try to take over the planet.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR VII
The Homega Man
When a neutron bomb destroys the city, Homer is the only one left alive. Or so he thinks.
Fly v. Fly
When Homer buys a matter transporter, Bart has some interesting plans for it.
Easy Bake Oven
In 1649, the town finds out that Marge is a witch.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR IX
Hell Toupee
Horrible things happen when Homer gets a hair transplant from an executed Snake.
The Terror of Tiny Toon
Lisa and Bart are sucked into a Halloween episode of Itchy and Scratchy.
Starship Poopers
It turns out that Maggie has other family roots, which start to show as she turns 2.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR X
I Know What You Diddly-iddly-did
Homer finds out that Ned has an interesting condition that comes out about once a month.
Desperately Xeeking Xena
Lucy Lawless is in this episode with Comic Book Guy, as he tries to steal her for his life-size collection.
Life's a Glitch and Then You Die
Homer forgot to update the power plant for 2000 with hilarious consequences.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR XI
G-g-ghost D-d-dad
Homer's horoscope predicts his death. He tries to get sent back to Earth by performing good deeds which sometimes don't work out.
Scary Tales Can Come True
A remake of Hansel and Gretel.
Night of the Dolphin
Lisa destroys the town when she frees the leader of a deadly dolphin gang, who takes over the town.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR XII
Hex and the City
Homer has a curse put on him by a gypsy.
House of Whacks
Marge's automatic Ultrahouse 3000 falls in love with her and tries to kill Homer.
Wiz Kids
A Harry Potter remake, with Burns as Montymort.

TREEHOUSE OF HORROR XIII
Send in the Clones
Homer finds out his hammock can duplicate humans. So he decides that more of him is a good thing... for a while.
The Fright to Creep and Scare Harms
Lisa gets rid of guns in Springfield, but this invites zombie outlaws to take over.
The Island of Dr. Hibbart
A remake of Island of Dr. Moreau, where people are slowly turning into animals.

Camping recap

It rained.

We got there Friday night around 7 est (Michigan being in another time zone), which wasn't too bad. We still had to set up our tents in the dark, but strategically placed headlights made it better. We weren't even the last ones there. The people who were already there, Diane, Lynn, Tina, Justin, Connor, and Annie, had a huge fire going in the fire pit. After we set everything up and tried not to freeze our butts off (it had been much warmer in the car), we ate some hot dogs and hamburgers.

The rest of the posse showed up, Ruth, Rob and Todd. Later, Marc graced us with his presence. ;) I put on another layer of fleece and dug out a blanket and our camping chairs and staked a place by the fire. I've never sat so close to a fire before where we weren't trying to keep the mosquitos away. The one nice thing about cold weather camping is that you don't have to worry about bugs so much. Anyway, the s'mores came out, it started to rain, and then we were all ready for bed around 11.

Then the fun started.

Our supplies consisted of: a good sleeping bag, a bad sleeping bag, a pink wool blanket, a fleece blanket, a crocheted purple blanket, a full size comforter, an air mattress, and a sheet to cover the air mattress. To wear, I had long johns and thick fleece PJ bottoms, a long-sleeved black fleece, a pink long sleeved thermal top, a tank top, double-thick socks and another thicker pink fleece coat. Oh, and my hat and scarf. Scott had two pairs of PJ bottoms, one fleece and the other flannel, two pairs of socks, long sleeved shirt, t-shirt, and a hat.

But there was no getting warm.

I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't get comfortable enough. If my nose wasn't freezing then whatever side of my body that was on the air mattress was. I can't sleep on my back, so my hips or my front would get really cold, soaking into several layers of my clothing like water. Scott had zipped himself into the crappy sleeping bag to keep his feet (which hang over the side of the air mattress) warm, but it also cut him off from my body heat. I had put the good sleeping bag over the both of us, but it eventually slipped off Scott, so I tucked it under me to prevent the cold from the mattress from seeping in. I also had the crocheted blanket. Scott had the fleece blanket over him. We had placed the comforter under the mattress to stop the cold from coming through and we had placed the pink blanket on top of the mattress for the same reason. We eventually realized that this arrangement wasn't going to work. We pulled the comforter out from under the mattress and put it over Scott and I wrapped the good sleeping bag around me as much as possible. After getting up 4 TIMES in night to make bathroom trips, I finally fell asleep at 2am. I thought Scott had fallen asleep because he was snoring at some point, but I found out at around 5am that he hadn't because he was so cold. We rearranged the blankets one more time, putting the good sleeping bag on the mattress and moved the pink blanket on top of us under the comforter. I fell back asleep until 7ish, woke up when I heard other people getting up, put in ear plugs and went back to sleep until 10. Scott said he was finally warm, but still couldn't sleep all that well. We decided that we wouldn't stay a second night unless we bought a some better sleeping bags, which we really couldn't afford.

Shannon got up when we did. We told her that we weren't sure about staying another night. She said that she was also cold and had a hard time sleeping, so if we wanted to bail on a second night, then she would be ok with that. We decided that we would leave after dinner that night.

Saturday was totally awesome. It was sunny. We gathered around the fire to eat baked goods and drink coffee and apple cider. The plan for the day was lunch, lighthouse museum, wine tasting. And we weren't in any hurry. So around noon, we headed to New Buffalo to the Stray Dog for lunch. It was so nice to be in a warm car. And in a warm restaurant. We stayed until about 1:30 or 2. Then Ruth, Rob and Todd headed back to the camp site to hang out while the rest of us got our education on at the Old Lighthouse Museum. That was a hoot. It was weird because the lighthouse was so far back from the harbor, but we later learned that was because they filled in the water for the marina. Because of this, they had put another beacon light farther out in the water and turned the old lighthouse into a museum. We decided, because we're all gluttons for punishment, to head out to see the newer lighthouse. It was pretty cool despite the brisk wind and chilly weather.

Then we met Diane and Lynn (who didn't feel like freezing their asses off at the pier) at Oink's to get ice cream. Yeah, you read that right. Ice cream. They didn't have the one I wanted (amaretto chocolate chunk), so I decided to save my calories for something later. Then we got some cappuccino across the street at Marilyn's. It was exactly 4pm, so the guy said they were closed. I asked very sweetly, "Can we beg you for some quick coffee?" They awesomely obliged. What was also awesome is that they serve Metropolis coffee from Chicago. It was meant to be obviously.

Then we went back to the camp site to pick up Ruth, Rob and Todd for the wine tasting and drop off Justin, Tina, and the kids so they could go hop the dunes. Then we headed out to the Round Barn Wineries. Right as we were getting ready to leave, the clouds opened up and it started pouring and SLEETING! Until this point, it had sprinkled on and off, but it never really rained enough to cause any discomfort. Well, this caused discomfort. We ran for the car and drove off to the winery. It rained the whole ride there, for about 15 minutes. By the time we got there, it had stopped. Lynn, Scott, and I went to the beer tasting barn and Shannon, Diane, Ruth, Rob, and Todd went to the wine barn. The beers were ok, nothing fantastic. One was so horribly bitter I couldn't believe that they would actually distribute something like that. After the beer tasting, we headed over to the wine barn and found the rest of the gang swirling and sipping. Shannon ended up buying a sweet white wine. Rob and Ruth bought 6 bottles of wine and they got this really cool recycled bag with 6 bottle compartments. Scott was tempted to purchase a bottle of their vodka, but he ended up not doing it.

We then headed back to the (now wet) camp site to pack up our (now wet) stuff. Gross. Not only was everything wet and sandy, but it was freezing cold. We eventually got packed up and then we settled in revival tent for dinner and conversation. On the menu were pita pizzas, which were such a great idea. Tina and Justin brought the ingredients, including sausage, pepperoni, onions, crushed tomatoes, green peppers, cheese, and black olives. Tina was the chef, you made your little pita the way you wanted it, she put it in foil and placed it on the grate over the fire and in a few minutes (depending on the cooperation of the fire), you had yourself a crispy little pizza! It was cool because you could eat when you wanted to, since not everyone was hungry all at the same time, so Tina wasn't cooking 100 pizzas all at once. I split one with Scott. It was just cool, hanging out in the revival tent, then coming out to stand around the fire. With 13 people, there was always a conversation to join, all of them strange and enjoyable.

Around 9:30pm, the s'mores came out. We tried the pie iron, but the fire was too hot and the bread ended up being totally charcoaled. After Shannon's peanut butter and chocolate s'more, we said our goodbyes and left.

On the way home, it rained again. And again. And again. I said to Scott, "I am very glad that we decided to head home." It was supposed to be even colder that night. And no one really gave us a hard time. Every one thought that if we weren't prepared to be in cold weather, then it probably wasn't very safe to stay. I guess I didn't realize how cold 30 degrees was going to be. On the ground. In a tent. With no heaters. Or cold-weather sleeping bags. Everyone else had some sort of combination of heater or decent equipment. Ruth and Rob had a tent that attaches to the back of their mini-van plus heat lamps. Diane and Lynn had a tent heater and good sleeping bags. Justin and Tina had sheer numbers of people in their tent, plus better equipment. Todd... I think he just sucked it up. I have to say that I was disappointed that we bailed, but I think, given the weather, it was the right thing to do. Plus I was out-voted 2 to 1. But now we know that if we're ever going to do this again (and I seriously doubt we ever will), we'll have to get better gear.

It was still an awesome time. I'm glad we went.

camping

we're camping this weekend. you might ask, "why the hell would you do something like that? what are you thinking?" well, we made the plans in August, when we had hoped that the weather would even out instead of being unseasonable cold. but if you look at the right side of my screen, you'll see that weather bug. and you'll see that it is indeed unseasonable cold. but we already paid for our spots. and being out of work, losing that money would be bad. although it's already spent. i think we've wasted more than that in bad groceries.

anyway, i'm curious about camping in cold weather. according to The Weather Channel, the high friday is going to be 44 with a low of 34. the high saturday is going to 47 with a low of 33. According to NOAA, it's going to be a high of 45 on friday, low 32, high of 46 on saturday, low of 31. there is also rain/snow slated for friday. sigh. since we have never camped in this late in the season, we don't really have any cold weather camping gear. we have a typical tent with a rain fly, but it's made of ordinary ripstop fabric. the one really good camping bag i have is rated for a low of 40 degrees. we do, however, have a ton of blankets, several layers of clothes and body heat. i'm just worried about what we're going to do during the day. i don't know how cold it'll be to sit around and chat. and i don't want to sit in our tents, shivering all day. i looked up some things to do that will be inside, so hopefully we'll stay warm and together.

just pray it doesn't rain.

ADD

i've been wondering if my lack of attention to detail and the many mistakes i've made on the job can be attributed to ADD. I found a quiz online and with the results came this handy-dandy graphic. How convenient to be able to display your incompetence to the world!

anger

tomorrow marks another day in which i am still unemployed. it's not for lack of trying. but what really chaps my ass is the fact that i am unemployed. for no real reason than for the fact that i made a few mistakes. sometimes i wake up at night and i am in that room with my aggressors spewing crap at me about how i didn't line up baselines and a 2-day package didn't arrive on time and that was a good enough basis to fire me. granted, this wasn't the first batch of "mistakes" i had made. i make mistakes all the time. show me someone who is perfect and i'll show you someone who doesn't have to answer to anyone, like my boss. she made plenty of mistakes, but no one but me knew. and silly me, i didn't report her to HR for them, a tactic that she wasn't kind enough to reciprocate. i have issues with authority, especially when that authority is passive and weak and just does what the higher-ups want her to do without really thinking about it, making it us versus them or me versus her. never mind that someone had once told me that i would be getting that position. never mind that her boss told me that he had bigger plans for me in the way of new projects. never mind that i had been lied to since my interview. i feel like my tenure at ALA was not unlike the process of finding all the flaws in our "newly built" condo... the people in the know kept certain important items to themselves and then i/we were held accountable for the problems that popped up. in the condo's case, we had to shell out $3000 each to fix the roof. in my job's case, i felt used and lied to and got fired.

what but really pisses me off is that i sat there in that meeting and took it. like a fucking pussy. and everyone's been saying, "oh, you did the right thing. you went out with dignity." fuck that. i don't give two shits about dignity. i care about the truth. if i had really done anything wrong that was worthy of getting fired, i wouldn't be so angry. but that list of crap just keeps popping up my head again and again. and see those two sitting at the table, with the HR woman across from me, telling me in not so many words, that i am a completely useless piece of shit. that it would be easier to run the department without me because i fuck up so much. and the one last hurrah that i tried to save my ass ended up kicking me in it because i wasn't supposed to transmit confidential information over company email. and all three of them gave conspired looks at one another like, "wow, she really is an idiot. she deserves to be fired." there wasn't one advocate on my side in that room. and my attempt to find advocates just failed miserably. this is typical of ALA in that 1) there was no HR person in the initial termination proceeding meeting to tell me that this information was confidential, 2) they give you enough rope to hang yourself. when karen said that my email was "highly inappropriate," i wanted to jump up and slap her. "until you've been in my shoes, you stupid cunt, don't you tell me what's appropriate." since you're treating me like this, you don't ever get to tell me what to do again. so go fuck yourself.

and it wouldn't have mattered if said that. if i would have told HR all of the mistakes that she had make that wasted time, that cost money. the mistakes where all i could do is say, "ok, i'll change that back." or the one that cost our department $100 in notepads where troy just said, "that's ok. just be careful next time." and i asked her if she knew we had about 100 notepads in the supply closet. no, she didn't, she said. well, thanks for asking anyone. but she didn't get written up for that. none of my mistakes cost ALA any money that anyone has been able to point out to me. but evidently it doesn't matter.

now i have lost all confidence in any kind of job i can do. i make mistakes all the time. will they cost me my next job? if i wouldn't have made any mistakes at ALA would they have found some other reason to let me go? i hated that job mostly because i hated working for karen. she was passive-agressive and didn't know how to lead. she just knew how to tell people what to do, which does not a great manager make. but troy thinks her shit doesn't stink. they are a match made in heaven. they can go on and give a shit about a division that doesn't mean a goddamn thing to the real world. and to miss karen, who's had maybe one other job before ALA, she doesn't know what the real world is. she doesn't know what it's like to share wealth of knowledge or understand that other people might know more than her about certain things. but because i didn't work for ALA for 8 years, that meant i didn't know a fucking thing. well, if i don't know a fucking thing about ALA it's because people like you don't fill me in. you horde it, like junkies, like blackmailers, waiting to pounce on my ignorance like a cat on a mouse. and any attempt to gain knowledge was frowned upon, that i didn't need to know things like that. nice.

so my message to the people who fired me at ALA: karma's a bitch. and i hope that you never need to get a job at a place where i am working. but you wouldn't ever think that could happen. a low-life like me could never get to a position where i could have a say in matters like future hires. you are both so very stupid.

*sniff*

we have lost yet another pet to cat heaven. scott's parent's cat, maggie, has gone to that big scratching post in the sky. i guess she had a weak heart, unbeknowst to his mom and dad. the other day, i guess maggie just fell over on the floor and never got up. :(

a little over a year ago, they had three pets, two dogs, Chaco and Baxter, and Maggie, the cat. Baxter died of bone cancer first. They got a black lab, Levi, to keep the trifecta alive. Then Chaco had some sort of organ failure or seizures and died. They got another dog to keep Levi company. Then Maggie leaves the nest. It's so sad to lose all of these darlings in a year.

Maggie was a Maine Coon cat. she was super fluffy, with this awesome personality. She would eat their dog's food, climb into any available suitcase or open bag, and nibble on toes and fingers. she was very graceful and kept the two other dogs in line. she totally ruled the roost.

So give your pets a lot of attention because you never know what can happen. And please pray for Paula and Skip as they deal with their loss.

the big news of the week

i'll tell my blogspot buddies first because it's not directly aimed at anyone in particular and i just don't have the energy to a write emails to people.

i got fired.

yes, i have been officially fired. i think the contract says mutual termination, but semantics aside, i was canned.

this had been building up for a while. i try not to blog negatively about work because that just a bad idea, so here's the scoop: my boss has not been pleased with my performance since she got back from her maternity leave last October. she had been keeping track of every mistake i've ever made since then. she gave me a horrible mid-year review and wrote me up in april because of another mistake i made. she had been telling HR my every wrong move. and i knew something was going on. 'cause i'm not dumb and she wears her animosity on her sleeve, like the dumb woman that she is. this post is about her amazing managerial skillz.

i am not a worker drone. i did not start my career being a cog in a wheel, therefore i have not been properly brainwashed into thinking like one. i worked at a small company for 5 years where my opinion mattered, i was really good friends with my boss, and i had the ability to implement changes and procedure that wasn't questioned at every turn. this, evidently, is my corporate downfall. am i forever damaged goods for the corporate world? that i never learned to kiss ass properly? that i refuse to accept the shit sandwich that is given to me every day? i am unorthodox and i love that part of me. there will be no amount of complaining, dirty-diaper faces, threats, HR reports or firing that will change that. it's not my fault that some people have fallen into the trap of middle-management mediocrity and now have to snort superior ass just to stay afloat. if this is all i have to look forward to until retirement, fuck that. i'll deliver pizzas. i'll work at a tastee-freeze. i'll panhandle before i spend 8 hours at a job i hate with a person who can't stand me.

needless to say, i am not sad over this firing. of course, the money will be missed, but considering i had been doing the work of 3 people, including one manager, with no increase in pay, i deserved so much more. i took that job because the freelance gravy train was ending and i was too lazy to scrounge up more business. knowing now what i do, i would have just sucked it up. now i'm 3 years behind and have 1/10 of the self-confidence i had then. right now i feel like i am completely unqualified to any job higher than a street sweeper. but i'm sure that will pass. right?

the joke's on them, really. my lovely boss is going on maternity leave in two months, leaving the department in the hands of someone who has his own job to do (and has never even done her job) and a 6-months-on-the-job lackey. i have my insiders who will tell me how smooth this transition will go. i'll keep you posted.

doublya-doublya

it's official... i've joined WW again. for about the 5th time. the first time i just couldn't get past that 9th pound. stupid psyche. now i've gained them all back and a few extra. i'm blaming the anti-depressant, but really it's the pizza and the brownies. of course, i'm riding 35+ miles a week on my bike, so you'd think it would all balance out. yeah, no.

so yesterday was my first meeting in a long time. i saw numbers on that scale that i haven't seen in 22 years. y.u.k. so now i'm over being depressed and ready to starve! i had used up all my points yesterday, so i had to eat cucumbers and hummus for dinner. but the great thing about that is that, as long as i kept track of the hummus, i could cram as many cucumbers in my maw as i wanted. sometimes i just like eating like that, but i need to stop it with the tortilla chips, you know.

i've been trying to cook better, when i actually stand at the stove. there's this vegetable fried rice recipe that i got from Cooking Light.com that totally rules. and it's easy. and you can fill that recipe with as many veggies as you want. but tonight, i'm making WW mac and cheese. we'll see how that turns out. at first i thought it called for fat-free cheese, which i think is an abomination against nature. but it really takes low-fat cheese. i hope it tastes good. wish me luck.

actually, wish me luck on everything. i have a pan of home-made brownies that i just made on Sunday sitting on my stove. anyone want them? from scratch. no, really.

sigh

so the week before last, i got tired of not being able to fit into any of my clothes from last summer and i stepped up the exercise and tried not to eat like a complete pig. i lost 4 pounds. i was so ecstatic about those 4 pounds, i decided to not work out as much and eat like a pig again and gained them all back. really.

actually, i couldn't run or bike as much as i wanted to because my knee was bugging me. and i made some desserts that i shouldn't have. i'm going to assume that the scale is wrong (for whatever reason) and am going to try not to hate myself. but here i sit, in my fat pants, wondering how i'm going to get through the day with them clinging cloyingly to my behind. and since i'm not busy at work, there's nothing to take my mind off how fat i feel. ah, i love days like these. and all i can think about it how i wish i was tonight or tomorrow so i can know how well (or badly) i have eaten for the day. of course, if i planned it out, i wouldn't have to guess or wait. but i'm not quite there yet. and the thought of anything other than breakfast food before 9am is completely revolting to me. i managed to make a turkey sandwich this morning, but that's it.

i haven't eaten any potato chips or cheetos with my lunch in a few weeks. last week i caved on Thursday and got a danish, but i figured i had ridden my bike, so it wasn't that big of a deal. my problem is i see exercise as an excuse to eat whatever i want. if i were working out hard-core everyday, then that would be fine. but i'm working out every other day and really not that hard. today i rode my bike 45 minutes to work, about 10mph. not too shabby. the heart rate was up most of the time, which is nice. but tomorrow i might run and i always run too fast, so i have to call it quits after about 15 minutes. that's not quite a workout. i hate running too long because it gets SO boring. i need to download a book on tape or whatever so i can listen while i run. or i just need to suck it up. but i feel like such a turtle out there when i run slow, i hate it. *plod*plod*plod* i guess i shouldn't feel bad because at least i'm out there, but ugh. i've never been fast and i've always hated it. i hate people who decide to start running after never doing it and being able to run 5 miles no prob. i blame it on my mitochondria. lazy bastards.

alright, so next monday i better see some serious weight loss. or else i am going to have to... what? quit my job so i can concentrate on my diet and exercise? ride my bike every day? run to work? eat nothing but lettuce? take alli and shit all the time? get used to fact that i can longer fit in my cute summer clothes?

fuck that.

why do i do this?

i have an obsession with childhood illnesses. and i'm not talking about chicken pox. for some reason, i am fascinated with life-threatening diseases, like diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma and cystic fibrosis-diseases that will quite possibly guarantee a early death sentence.

i made the mistake of picking up (again) alex: the life of a child. so i got curious as to what the life expectancy is for CF kids these days, since in 1975 it was pretty abysmal.

so i was doing some research, and i thought i'd see what was up on youtube regarding this disease. why read about it when you can see it motion? so i found this video:


the life expectancy is now 35. 35. that's how old i am. if i had CF now, even in the best of care, i would probably be on my last lobes by now. some people get it worse than others, which affects your life span. also, early diagnosis is key, to reduce the amount of damage done to your system. the blonde girl, siobhan ryan, was diagnosed when she was 3. that seems really late. 3 years with no treatment, no medication, no preventative measures.

right after that show was posted, siobhan died.

then there's a more ravaging monster called DIPG. this is a brain stem tumor that occurs in children between the ages of 1 and 15. if you get this diagnosis, you will probably be dead within the year. A YEAR. it's inoperable, there's no cure, no real treatment. once it's diagnosed, the docs will give you radiation and chemo, like regular cancer. they'll keep an eye on it. it will maybe stop growing or shrink from some other medications. then it will come back. and after that, you're screwed. your eyes will cross as the tumor destroys your nerves. you'll lose feeling in one side of your body, reducing the use of the hand, foot and leg on that side. and the headaches. let's not forget about the headaches.

and the people who usually get this cancer have only been potty trained for maybe 5 years. maybe.

really? who thought of these things? and i sit here and dream of finding the way to operate on that tumor. i dream of finding a way to make those defunct genes to knock that chloride and sodium thing off in CF. i dream of fixing the gene to muscular dystrophy. but i'm 35. is it too late for me to do anything for these kids?

of course, CF and DIPG kids would embrace the time i have. maybe i should, too.

a shout out to the blogs that i read:
CoolCole (age 9)
nicky lee (age 6)
brianna sharp (age 14)
sara hines (age 14, died july 2, 2008)
mara adams (age 6. died september 22, 2008)

and if you're feeling particularly jaunty, give some money or time:
http://cff.org/

my neighborhood

so my neighborhood isn't the greatest. but i have to say it's one of the prettiest. i live by River West Park, which is right where the Chicago river branches west and north so, after i went running tonight, i wandered down the path that goes next to the river, where the water fall is. granted, it's not the cleanest water, but with the trees and the water and the ducks, it's really very pretty. and maybe this is just endorphins talking, but i feel pretty lucky to live so close to this nature in the city.

as some of you out there may have noticed, i took down some snarky posts that i had written last week. and if you happened to read those posts, you know they weren't very nice. of course, in my mind, i was being an asshole to the people i don't know, but it's hard to hit a particular demographic without making some of your close friends upset. that's why i took it down.

to be perfectly honest, i don't think less of my friends for having kids. i also don't think that they are egotistical selfish people to have procreated. to clear things up, let me try to appeal to those of you who know the type of person i was referring to in the past posts. The Entitled Parent. you know who they are. the ones who take up a whole sidewalk with their stroller. the one who applied for preschool while the child is still a fetus. the one who can't stop comparing her child with yours. the ones who never seem to stop judging how a woman holds, feeds, talks to, dresses her child.

and i know you know someone like that. so let me be the first to contradict my rampant feelings in the previous posts about having kids:

us women can be sharks. we're snotty, passive aggressive, mean, judgmental freaks. i feel having kids is bad enough in our society where we don't anyone walking down the street. the last thing that a mother needs is a withering stare from some other mother because her kid has a pacifier. i think we need to help one another more in this world of child-rearing. it take a village and all that. but not to point out what's being done wrong. just help. and understand that everyone, EVERYONE, is different. so don't snort at a woman because she lets her kid sleep in bed with her at night.

a complete 180, huh?

and maybe my comments come from a jealousy that i'll never experience anything like parenthood. sure, i could put diapers on my cat, but i'm fairly certain she'd try to scratch my eyes out. not exactly bonding. but as my 6th friend in as many months gives birth to yet another baby, i can't help but wonder what makes her so special? of course, if i had married a guy who wanted kids, i'd probably have a padlock on my vagina. i'm never satisfied, really.

so to angela, angela, catherine, erica, tameika, and dawn, congratulations. and to nancy and sam, i'm sorry for saying some sh*tty things that i really didn't mean. well, i meant them for very specific people, just not you. and mom, thanks for not putting any pressure on me. 'cause lord knows the best you can hope for is grandcats.

dear mother nature

when you have noaa.gov tell us we have a 5% chance of tornadoes in our area and then you don't even bother to rain... then you give me (and several other people, i'm sure) whopping sinus headaches... it greatly disappoint me.

so i am lodging a complaint. if you could just give me the address of where to send this complaint, that would be greatly appreciated. thank you.

tornados

ok, it's been a while since i've posted. damn you, facebook. but i just can't ramble on in facebook like i can here. so here it goes.

i was watching the Weather Channel, a TV show called "Tornado!" guess what it was about? anyway, they were talking about the widest tornado ever in the united states, 2.5 miles wide. evidently the weather had been crappy all day. a trained storm spotter and a storm chaser were on their ways to this storm outbreak. in a neighboring town, there was a motorcycle ride for muscular dystrophy. the riders had seen the storm build but they just thought it was an ordinary storm. being in nebraska, i'm not sure how you could tell an "ordinary" storm from one that would bring down a 2.5 mile-wide funnel. ok, so the riders are done with their ride, they go to a bar to have a few drinks. then one of the women that they interviewed said, "it came out of nowhere. we had no warning."

um, excuse me?

just because you couldn't be bothered to look out the pub window while you were tying one on isn't anyone's fault but your own. you saw the sky outside. and if you would have turned on a TV before you left the house or maybe turned on a radio, you might have heard the weather report and would have known what was going on. if i can tell a storm is coming when i live in chicago, with buildings and skyscrapers in my way, you can certainly take a look out your damn country window and see a damn funnel cloud.

ignorance is not an excuse.

so don't be as dumb as these people. there is no excuse for anyone to be caught off guard by a tornado. they don't just fall out of a blue sky. and anyone say, "we had no warning" during the day, you deserve to die. sorry.

death in the family

it's always hard when someone in the family passes away.

Loretta M. Mathewson, 92, went to be with the Lord Monday morning, May 4, 2009, following a brief illness at Muncie Health and Rehabilitation Center.

She was born, October 4, 1916, in Burlington, WI the daughter of Carl and Etta Mae (Saar) Wiese. She graduated from high school in Milwaukee, WI, attended the University of Wisconsin, Madison, WI and received her bachelor's degree from Ball State University.

Mrs. Mathewson was the president and owner of NEMA Health Foods.

She was president of the Local Widowed Person's Service of Delaware County, cofounder of Delaware County Mental Health Association, founding member of the Riley-Jones Club, and had tea at the White House with First Lady Bess Truman. She was a member of Delaware-Blackford County Medical Society Auxiliary, Toastmasters Club, Senior Theater Group Third Age, and Senior Coordinator of the Adventures in Attitude. Mrs. Mathewson volunteered for numerous organizations including the Retired Senior Volunteer Service and the Alpha Center.

She enjoyed playing the piano for years at various churches and nursing homes.

Surviving are two sons, William R. Mathewson (wife-Leslie), Muncie and John C. Mathewson (wife-Mary), Yorktown; two grandchildren, Katie and Ben Mathewson, Yorktown; and several nieces and nephews.

She was preceded in death by her parents; her husbands, Dr. Russell C. Mathewson and Ralph W. Rothhaas; four brothers, William Wiese, George Saar, Stanley Wiese, and Charles Wiese; and her sister, Charlotte Page.

Services will be held in The Meeks Mortuary and Crematory, Washington Street Chapel at 6:00 p.m. on Thursday, May 7, 2009, with Rev. John Calhoun officiating. Cremation will follow.

Friends may call at The Meeks Mortuary and Crematory, Washington Street Chapel from 5 until 8 p.m. on Wednesday or one hour prior to services on Thursday.

Memorials may be directed to First Choice for Women, 600 S. Tillotson Ave., Muncie, IN 47303 or the Muncie Mission, 1725 S. Liberty St., Muncie, In 47302.

Online condolences may be directed to the family at http://www.meeksmortuary.com.

because my family tree is staggered at my grandfather's level (he was an oops baby, born 18 years younger than his next oldest sibling), this 92-year-old amazing woman was my second cousin. my dad's first cousin. my dad's dad is listed as one of her "brothers" but really, he was her uncle. when his mother died of the influenza in 1918, he went to live with loretta's mom, i think. so he was like a brother. it's all very hard to keep track of.

not only did she have tea at the white house (that story i never heard, dammit. now i'm going to have to shake down her sons to hear that one!), but she received her bachelor's degree when it was practically unheard of for women. but the amazing thing is this woman was camping with us just 2 years ago. if you do the math, that means a 90-year-old woman was sitting by the campfire, using pit toilets, eating corn on the cob, sharing family stories. 90! on my mom's side, my great-grandmother lived to be 96. i'm not sure if i'm thrilled or terrified i could live to be that old. get back to me when i'm 80.

so say a prayer for my "aunt" loretta and her family. i hope we can all live life to the fullest as she did.

life as (un)planned

i'm not sure who plans out their life in every detail, but several people at least have a basic list of what they'd like to accomplish while they unwind their mortal coil. my plans were to go to college and move to chicago. that's about where they stopped.

it's amazing the unsatisfied path your life takes when you don't make goals for yourself. let me be more clear: obtainable goals. if you're a chick and your goal is to become pope, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. but really, these last 10 years, i feel like i've been dabbling at life, not really immersing myself in anything or getting more than my feet wet.

after i realized how piss-poor the pay was for book designers, i thought i'd try my brain at science. i took anatomy and physiology. i told myself, "self, if you do well in this class, maybe you should consider a career change." i got an A+. i rocked that class. and this was the first class where my teacher said to me, "you're pretty good at this." the only comment i got like that in art school was a laugh when i confirmed with my graphics 1 prof that i declared graphic design as major (not a positive response).

so i continued on. i took biology 121 at harold washington. again, was complimented on my smartz. took college algebra. complimented again. i even managed to get an A in chem 201 and a B in chem 202.

that's where my smartz stop.

i am getting a D in organic chem. ok, now i'm sure a lot of you are saying, "but that class is HARD." it's not, really. there's just a ton to memorize. if this does then, then what's the product? what if it reacts with this? what if it's riding on the Disney monorail and goofy sits on it? but i don't know what it is, but my mind has been on a permanent vacation since about september. i don't know if it's my anti-anxiety med or what, but i have the attention span of a flea. and it's not just school, it's at work, too.

so here is where my dream of curing muscular dystrophy ends. maybe. i guess if i'm not riddled with altzheimers at the tender age of 35 i can carry on when i feel like getting into thiols and hydrobromization. somehow, i doubt that will happen, but hey. who knows?

the real question is: now what?

being a mommy

Gweneth Paltrow says:

“Motherhood enriches your life in the most incredible way. My children have given me a real life. They’ve opened up a new world to me. I never feel lonely, I never feel I don’t know what my purpose in life is any more.”

yes, i would have kids, too, if i was rolling around in the benjamins with a rich-ass husband who was never around. and no shit you never feel lonely... anytime you want to get rid of the brats, you just foist them off on the nanny.

now THAT'S the way to have kids.

hilarious and disgusting.

sigh

i don't understand why some people are managers. just because they might have done a good job in the past in the department doesn't mean that they'll be good at managing people. here's how NOT to manage:

1. wait as long as possible to talk about something that bugs you. if someone does a job that you don't like, harbor resentment and then bring it up at review time, taking the employee completely off-guard.

2. have ZERO sense of humor. and look down on people who like to laugh, joke, be sarcastic and have a good time... unless they're ABOVE you on the food chain.

3. stab people you don't like in the back. make up lies about them and then report them to HR. since you're the boss, HR will believe you over the employee.

4. have your employees send every email that they send out through you, or at least copy you in on it. after it's sent, write the employee and tell them that they did that all wrong and you should have said x, y, and z. this is to make sure that they never forget who's in charge.

5. take work you know is incomplete from your employee to your superior and say that it's a total mess and completely unacceptable. then sit back and wait until your boss confronts your helpless employee and watch them squirm.

6. take responsibility for nothing that your employees do, even though you're supposed to know what they're doing. be sure to turn around and place the blame squarely on the employee's shoulders, even if it was a group project and many other people were involved and at fault. never go to bat for any employee under you.

7. do not develop a rapport with your employees. this might make it harder to be a complete asshat to them later.

8. be sure to report every little mistake your employees make, even if they are the same mistakes you've made yourself. you never know when you're going to have to fire someone. and it's not like the employee does a review of YOU, so who would know about your mistakes, anyway?

9. promise the moon and the stars to your superiors without the full knowledge of the project and no where near the manpower you'll need. then turn around to your employees and demand that they do the work of 3 people flawlessly. don't forget to harass them at every opportunity, especially when your superiors demand to know what's taking so long.

this list will be expanded from time to time. we can all use improvement.

.... and welcome back!

yeah, it's been a while. sorry about that. i'm totally addicted to facebook, but you can type more than a line about what you're feeling/doing/thinking, so i came back here. i've been losing my constituents slowly over the last year or so and being on a month hiatus won't help, i bet.

here are a few random things that have been going on:

1. i got one year older. we went out for indian food with about 10 people, which totally rocked. i got a sweet fleece-lined pink sweatshirt, a wii fit, a $50 gift card, and something else i have to pick up from my mom's. she says that if i don't pick it up, she'll use it herself. hmmmm... what could it be?

2. i completely and utterly failed my first ochem exam. i studied for it, but not as much as i should have (obviously). the kick in the pants is that the two girls i sit next to got a 95% and a 91%. i walked out of class, threw a hissy-fit and ended up kicking a 50 pound box of books and practically breaking my big toe. i didn't realize how much you use that toe, but the following day it was 70 degress and i could barely walk. serves me right. but then i had a dream last night that i'm getting an 80% in the class because i'm kicking ass in lab and doing as much extra work as possible. we'll see.

3. i got in a screaming match with our condo president yesterday. turns out she cashed a check that was supposed to go through the condo's bank account and she sees nothing wrong with this. there are so many things wrong with this scenario, i don't even know where to begin. and she's been bugging me to put her on the bank account. i told her point-blank that after this little stunt, there is no way i'm putting her on that account. she just doesn't get that all money needs to go through the association. she thinks because it all worked out in the end that the end justifies the means. of course, arguing with her is like arguing with a 3-year-old.

4. i told scott we're moving out of this condo by the end of the year. we will have a house if we have to live in the suburbs, which he actually agreed to (under certain restrictions, of course). i want a yard. i want a garage. i want to be free of people like our president, who make up their own rules and don't think you have a brain in your head. i'm sure, though, that i'll get into some legal battle with a neighbor over tree-overhang or zoning issues, 'cause that's just the person i am! i can't wait!

5. work is going OK. i'm feeling marginalized there, too, but it's a paycheck and right now in this craptacular economy, i can't look a gift job in the mouth. but that won't stop me from bitching about it!

6. as long as michigan is the NCAA tournament, i'm all into it. the second they're out, so am i. they won their first game over Clemson (whoever the hell they are) and tonight they play Oklahoma at 4:50pm. diane at work says OK will hand them their assess, but ESPN says that MI can win if some certain things happen... i don't know what since i just don't have in my X chromosome to sign up for espn.com to get the rest of the article.

7. today i am going to the spa to get rubbed down, wrapped in seaweed and soaked in water. my sister bought me a spa package gift card and today we're going to use some of it. it should be nice, despite the fact that last night i was up until 12:30 with allergy-induced nausea from eating nothing but crap yesterday. this means that today, i'll have to pee every 20 minutes. should be fun! i'll try not to slip off the toilet after they grease me up for my body massage.

8. i've been eating nothing but shit lately. yesterday (for example) i had honey bunches of oats for breakfast (not the best fiber-based cereal), oatmeal for a snack, hot wings for lunch, left-over pizza hut for dinner (which i ate the previous night, hence the term 'left-over'), chess pie and a piece of sweet mandy b's chocolate chocolate cake. my body hated me around 10pm and kept me up until after midnight. today, i will reconsider my choices, no matter how good they sound.

9. i still have those extra 10 pounds from christmas. after reading #8, i'm sure none of you are surprised.

i think that's it. if anything else interesting happens, i'll let you know in another month. ;)

immune system: the musical

about once a month, i get sick. not cough-cough-sneeze-sneeze sick, but i-am-so-goddamn-tired-i-can't-even-move sick. i can't figure out any correlations or precursors. i can't even remember when it started. i think maybe around the time after i got mono. here are the details:

1. i wake up and i can barely get out of bed. i drag my ass through the shower, shove some cereal down my throat and drag my ass to the train. i feel like i'm walking through mud.
2. my head is swimming. if i sit too long in one spot, i start to ache. and by "too long," i mean about 20 minutes. my neck will ache from staring at the computer screen, my legs will ache in any position. my back will ache from sitting. sometimes pain reliever helps, sometimes it doesn't.
3. oh, the exhaustion. i can't concentrate from the tiredness. if i don't deliberately concentrate on what i'm working on, i'll just stare into space. and ache.
4. bye-bye, appetite. i won't be seeing you for a while. of course, if i don't eat something, the dizziness and lack of concentration get worse. but sugar is the only thing i can choke down.
5. this is when i throw in the towel and go home. i go to bed and sleep for 3-4 hours. if it's been a morning where i don't even bother going in, i'll sleep until 11am. that's 13 hours of sleep. then i drag myself out of bed and stare at the tv until i take a nap.

this is where i am today. it started yesterday. actually, it might have started over the weekend. something gave me not-so-nice- #2 on thursday, which surprised me. no stomach ache, nothing. afterwards, i felt kind of icky, but so warning. friday, i ate a salad at lunch and proceeded to choke the house with gas later in the night. saturday and sunday, i had bitchin' headaches. the hubby made chili on sunday, of which i ate a lot and had some more horrible gas.

monday i still had the bitchin' headache, but it went away by the time i had to go to chem. but i still felt out of sorts. gassy and tired. ate more chili. more gas.

the next day, i got up, was really tired but didn't sweat it. while i was on the train, i had to get off at southport to use the facilities at starbucks. no urgency, just had to go. afterwards, i had that my-stomach's-been-turned-inside-out feeling and the tiredness increased. by the time i got to work, i was so nauseous, i could barely stand to look at my sandwich to throw it in the frige. i went to the bathroom a few more times, took my allergy pill, and fought the urge to sleep at my desk. then the head swimming started, of course, i don't know if it's from my allergy meds or my crappy body. i also fought the urge to purge until i gave in and went home at 1pm. i got home at 1:30 and went to bed, sleeping until 5pm. ahhhh. still really tired, stared at the tv for a while, didn't have the energy to even talk much. went to bed at 9:30.

and here i am. on the couch, about to go back to bed. the thought of doing anything the least bit strenuous makes me want to cry. the thought of getting dressed, getting on the train, walking to work, sitting at my desk... no way. so i'll pop some pain reliever and hit the sack.

and then i'll make a doctor's appointment. this has bugged me long enough.

hi there

it's been a while since i've posted because i've been addicted to facebook. they have this notes section where you can post all those annoying lists that i love so much. i think i've posted about 10 of them there, where i would usually post them here. of course, all of you have read them all before.

but i'm here to write about this really strange dream i had last night. that we lived in germany during the war, but everyone spoke english. i was younger, like in high school, and i was living with my family in an apartment. there was this other german family that i guess were in the german army, like the gestapo, but they had a son about my age. the thing was... they weren't supposed to befriend people who weren't the same status as them. so me and this boy would just stare each other down when we saw each other and go on our way.

we all had ID tags, like those round, paper fobs that you put on storage room keys. they were on our keyrings. the germans fobs were orange and they had a second tag with their picture on it with their name and rank. ours were just white. if you were caught without these tags on you, you could get in serious trouble.

slowly, this guy and his family started to hang out with me and my family. and the boy was showing me his ID tags, which he took off his ring. he was taking a big risk doing this, as i found out later when i found them on our back porch. they must have fallen off his ring when he didn't put them back securely enough. then the rest of the dream is trying to find him.

i've been reading too many WWII books lately.

fire

i got off the train at chicago and state, as usual, this morning. the exit i usually use was blocked off, so i thought it was broken. but when i saw the three chicago cops standing around, drinking coffee in the station, i knew something was wrong.

when i got out of the subway, i noticed nothing but fire trucks and cop cars. there were streets and sanitation trucks dumping salt all over the road, so i immediately thought, fire. then i saw the smoke... billowing out of Holy Name Cathedral. that's when i started running.

i tried to get down wabash, the street i usually take to get to work. blocked off. i ran down chicago to the alley next to bank of america an ducked down there. the exit on wabash, right in front of the church, wasn't blocked off. heh. i'm so sneaky. i got around the church, trying to avoid the firemen and fire trucks that were at every corner. there was ice everywhere, leaking out of the hydrants, making the trip a little precarious. i walked up to superior and state and managed to get some pictures. i couldn't get to where the actual fire was happening as it could be seen best from the courtyard, but i got some shots of smoke. that's when i noticed the door on superior. with water just pouring out from under it, cascading down the stairs, like some sad waterfall. i managed to get a few pictures before two firefighters told me to step back.

"how bad is it?" i asked.

"we don't know. we haven't been inside yet."

"is it totally destroyed?"

"oh, yeah," they replied.

i told them that Holy Name had just had major renovations done. it just seemed so sad to see that beautiful building burning after all the work they had just completed. but it sure revved up my usually boring morning. here are some pictures i got before my hands started to freeze.

by the way, it's 4 degrees outside with a windchill of -14. i felt like hugging each of those firefighters to keep them warm. ugh.

shameless work plug

OK, i work at a place that makes posters and bookmarks and stuff like that. i work on the catalogs that sell such stuff, so i get to see the cuteness that will be gracing people's walls around the country.

Now, i know i may be giving away where i work, but G*DDAMN, if this isn't the cutest poster i've seen in a long time:


i have this on my office door and every time i leave, i smile, because he's so damn cute. and the little worm talking about dinosaurs just KILLS ME.

he was drawn by Andy Runton exclusively for our sales team. cutest. owl. ever.

OK, shameless promotion is over.

enough of this obama crap...

let's get to the good stuff:
Free TV : Ustream