babies

as you might have learned from reading my blog, i am not a huge fan of breeding. and you might also have noticed that i have a strange stance on it... that sometimes i seem to completly hate breeders for their selfishness of over-populating the country, and sometimes i feel sorry for those who really really really want a baby, but can't seem to make one.

i read a few blogs whose main focus is infertility. some of the blogs i read deal with parenthood and its push and pull on everyday life. yesterday one such blog, i found this link to glamour magazine about being infertile in a baby-crazy world. they very, very, very briefly mention women who choose not to have kids, like me. and i have concluded that living everyday in this baby/kid-centric world sucks.

there are so many facets to this. after seeing scott's friends' baby last night, and my own friends growing their families, i wonder if in a few years i'll be looked at like some uncomplete woman who won't quite fit with her peers anymore, not being able to talk about those long nights of being covered in drool and vomit and first steps and training wheels. it hasn't really bothered me yet because most of my breeding friends are in michigan. and also city-dwelling women usually put their careers before breeding, so most women who are having babies are older than me. but there is a strang shift happening: people on the news who are doing something significant with their lives are now YOUNGER than me. people who are running for office, becoming big-name doctors, writing important books... some are in their late 20s. and now some of women who are coming into starbucks with their quivering infants are also that age. i realize that my decision to not have kids is more than just cosmetic, but will i look immature to those who decided to take that plunge? what will i have to show for myself when i'm too old to do anything else? i don't see myself becoming a huge and great graphic designer. and somedays i really doubt i'll be able to make that trek to being a doctor. right now, i just feel like i'm just existing for no particular reason. and it's weird to read on this blog that she now feels that her job, which used to be very important to her, is now pretty far down on the totem pole to raising her kid. it's a strange thing that i might understand, but that probably many, or maybe all, of my friends will.

i realize you don't make the decision to have kids based on having a conversation piece, but will there come a time when i'll be left behind emotionally? that it won't matter that i have made the decision based on facts and my own needs NOT to have a child, that i will still be left feeling like someone who is infertile? that i will have no impact on anyone or anything in this world? maybe that's why people have kids: because they feel they have something to offer the next generation. or maybe just to feel important to someone in this over-populated, no-name, unfriendly world.

now if you'll excuse me, i have to watch this commercial of jamie lee curtis dressed up as a pirate.