depression
i have a friend who suffers from depression. it isn't all the time, but she has bouts where it's hard to even get out of bed and get dressed. some of you out there know what that's like. there are a lot of people who have depression. some are medicated and go through life fairly normally. some don't know they're depressed and live every day like it's normal to feel like giving up. some know they're depressed but refuse to get treatment because meds are for "sick" people.
if you encounter a depressed person in your life, here are some signs and tips:
1. a depressed person might not have the ability to think outside of him/herself. getting up and being upright is taking up all of their thought and mental prowess. if they have to work, that is also probably taking a lot out of them. don't be offended if they ignore you, don't smile, laugh at your jokes, disappear from social functions, don't return your calls or emails, forget birthdays. this won't happen all the time, but when an episode happens, don't take it personally when these symptoms occur.
2. don't disappear just because they do. i know when my friend is in a bad place because our weekly phone calls disappear, i don't get any IMs or emails. or if i do get emails, they are 2 or 3 sentences. i can't go very long without talking to her, so i'll just keep up my end of the conversation. i'll write her emails telling her what's up with work and stuff like that. i'll leave her voicemails at work or on her cell. i'll TM her every once and a while. it doesn't have to be every day, but a few times a week lets that person know that they are being thought of by someone and their disappearance from the scene doesn't mean that they've been forgotten.
we have a friend who does this. she is a counselor at a drug rehab facility. you'd think she'd know how to talk to someone suffering from depression, how important it is to know that someone on the outside cares about you despite the rough time you're going through, and the face that she's been friends with this girl for 18 years. but no. she said to our friend, "when you're ready to talk, i'll be here." that's not really the right thing to say. it's like a cop-out. i know that it might be difficult to talk to someone who absolutely abhors themselves and everything about the world, but a "hey, i'm thinking about you" always works.
3. for the love of god, please don't tell these people to "cheer up." they would if they could. there might be a difference between someone who loves to be negative all the time and complain about everything under the sun and a truly depressed person. a depressed person wants to enjoy life, wants the fog to lift. the negative person doesn't. there's a difference between depression and cynicism. depression is chemical. serotonin has taken a vacation and has left this person a shell of a human. everything they do is wrong, their decision making skills have left with the chemistry. if they do something wrong, they beat themselves up 10 times worse than you or i might. it's a battle every day to exist. cheering up isn't an option.
4. if they reach out to you, let them talk. don't feel the need to try to "fix" their problems. you don't have all the answers, so don't offer them up unless they ask you specifically. personally, i feel it's ok to ask about if they're getting treatment or how they're feeling. i'm going to assume you know these people pretty well if they're calling you in the midst of their episode. but you offer advice or try to get into their psyche when they don't ask for it, you are going to make them feel undermined, that they're doing the wrong thing if they don't take your advice. you aren't their shrink, so don't act like one.
5. be patient. if this person is a true friend, you'll hang around while they work themselves out. it might take a while to get the right therapist or medication. it may take a while to even know that they're depressed. but being on the sidelines, while sometimes frustrating, will help them in the end to know that they have someone that they can count on when things get really bad.
6. offer to do things. they might not take you up on it, but they'll know the option is there. offer to get in touch with people, to make appointments, to go to the store. depressed people have a hard time asking for help, so offering might let them know there are alternatives.
these are my opinions. i only have one friend who is depressed, so these judgments are based on our relationship. they may not work with everyone. my best advice is to ask what if there's anything you can do. and follow through on it. it's hard to sit back and watch someone you love suffer, but sometimes letting them know that you're there for them can do a world of good.
if you encounter a depressed person in your life, here are some signs and tips:
1. a depressed person might not have the ability to think outside of him/herself. getting up and being upright is taking up all of their thought and mental prowess. if they have to work, that is also probably taking a lot out of them. don't be offended if they ignore you, don't smile, laugh at your jokes, disappear from social functions, don't return your calls or emails, forget birthdays. this won't happen all the time, but when an episode happens, don't take it personally when these symptoms occur.
2. don't disappear just because they do. i know when my friend is in a bad place because our weekly phone calls disappear, i don't get any IMs or emails. or if i do get emails, they are 2 or 3 sentences. i can't go very long without talking to her, so i'll just keep up my end of the conversation. i'll write her emails telling her what's up with work and stuff like that. i'll leave her voicemails at work or on her cell. i'll TM her every once and a while. it doesn't have to be every day, but a few times a week lets that person know that they are being thought of by someone and their disappearance from the scene doesn't mean that they've been forgotten.
we have a friend who does this. she is a counselor at a drug rehab facility. you'd think she'd know how to talk to someone suffering from depression, how important it is to know that someone on the outside cares about you despite the rough time you're going through, and the face that she's been friends with this girl for 18 years. but no. she said to our friend, "when you're ready to talk, i'll be here." that's not really the right thing to say. it's like a cop-out. i know that it might be difficult to talk to someone who absolutely abhors themselves and everything about the world, but a "hey, i'm thinking about you" always works.
3. for the love of god, please don't tell these people to "cheer up." they would if they could. there might be a difference between someone who loves to be negative all the time and complain about everything under the sun and a truly depressed person. a depressed person wants to enjoy life, wants the fog to lift. the negative person doesn't. there's a difference between depression and cynicism. depression is chemical. serotonin has taken a vacation and has left this person a shell of a human. everything they do is wrong, their decision making skills have left with the chemistry. if they do something wrong, they beat themselves up 10 times worse than you or i might. it's a battle every day to exist. cheering up isn't an option.
4. if they reach out to you, let them talk. don't feel the need to try to "fix" their problems. you don't have all the answers, so don't offer them up unless they ask you specifically. personally, i feel it's ok to ask about if they're getting treatment or how they're feeling. i'm going to assume you know these people pretty well if they're calling you in the midst of their episode. but you offer advice or try to get into their psyche when they don't ask for it, you are going to make them feel undermined, that they're doing the wrong thing if they don't take your advice. you aren't their shrink, so don't act like one.
5. be patient. if this person is a true friend, you'll hang around while they work themselves out. it might take a while to get the right therapist or medication. it may take a while to even know that they're depressed. but being on the sidelines, while sometimes frustrating, will help them in the end to know that they have someone that they can count on when things get really bad.
6. offer to do things. they might not take you up on it, but they'll know the option is there. offer to get in touch with people, to make appointments, to go to the store. depressed people have a hard time asking for help, so offering might let them know there are alternatives.
these are my opinions. i only have one friend who is depressed, so these judgments are based on our relationship. they may not work with everyone. my best advice is to ask what if there's anything you can do. and follow through on it. it's hard to sit back and watch someone you love suffer, but sometimes letting them know that you're there for them can do a world of good.
posted by mikraas at 10:00 AM
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