things i'll never (maybe) eat again
as i was picking the Lean Cuisine out of my teeth, i was thinking about other TV dinners out there. remember the term "TV dinner?" anyway, my train of thought went along the tracks of what i can safely say will never pass these lips again. of course, i've grown older, more forward in my dinner thinking. but some old habits die hard. some, however, died years ago.
1. any frozen concoction made by marie calendar or anything of the sort.
i used to get frozen pot pies in college. i'm not sure if i used to buy Hungry Man dinners or Stouffer's frozen heart attacks in a box, but i used to eat those when i was a kid. never again.
2. big mac
or anything from McDonald's, probably. i like the chicken mcnuggets, but the last time i ate them, my colon had something loud to say about it. i used to get their fries as a snack, but it's been at least 8 years since that. i just can't be sure my lower intestine wouldn't launch a diatribe against anything on their menu.
oh, wait. i may eat their yogurt parfaits. but this leads me to #3.
3. any milk-based product
i haven't drank milk in about 5 years. every morning, i used to eat cereal with milk for breakfast. then my train rides would turn into white-knuckle, bowel-clenching rollercoaster... and not the good kind. usually, i would have to get off at a earlier stop and devastate some poor innocent shop keep's bathroom. i thought i has IBS (what woman doesn't), but then i forced my doc to give me an allergy test. sho'nuff, that pesky guy milk was tops on the list.
i had continued to eat ice cream and cheese and yogurt. sometimes, certain cheeses gave me a hard time, but i suffered through because i love it so much. but sometimes nothing happened. who knows what combination causes my immune system to attack. but as of June 21, i have given up. we'll see how long that lasts. but milk. no way.
4. Hostess anything
i don't know what it is about being a kid, but i don't remember hostess pies leaving that film of grease on the roof of my mouth. but it does now. and with 400+ calories and 2345678g of fat, i think it's best to leave these fruit-filled fat pockets to the humans under the age of 10.
5. jack's frozen pizza
i could crap a better pizza. no Jack's is cheap enough that i would choose that over, say, eating an entire box of stale saltines with tomato sauce and cheese.
6. instant ramen
my sister LOVES this shit. i couldn't even stomach it in college. i can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about the sodium levels. i'll never be so poor that i would buy ramen.
little caeser's pizza. especially baby pan pan
i don't think they make baby pan pan anymore, but never, ever again. there isn't a toilet close enough to sustain my bowel grief once i eat that stuff. it's amazing how i tortured myself during my college years.
OK, i've run out of things that i know i won't eat again. how about another list...
Things i know i shouldn't eat again, but probably will
1. little caesar's crazy bread
granted, i don't eat it with the butter, but goddamn, is that shit good.
2. little debbie
it's been a LONG TIME since i've eating one of these. i don't see them around really and even when i do, they tend to do the same thing to the roof of my mouth as the Hostess pies. but i do enjoy a good Nutty Bar. so i can't say for sure i'll never eat one of these again. mmmm... oatmeal creme pie.
3. kraft mac and cheese
i can eat an entire box of this shit. and not that gooey cheese-in-the-pouch stuff... the real, powdered cheese stuff. granted, in my advanced age, i have made mac and cheese with real pasta and real cheese. but there's something about buying that kraft blue box that takes me back to my childhood. and high school. and college. and my 20s. you get the idea.
4. stove top stuffing
it's been a looooong time since i've seen this on the shelf and thought, ooo, i could have that for dinner tonight. and thank god, really, because something in that red box wrecks havoc on my stomach. and not like the previous things in this list. it gives me awful, awful, EPA-inducing gas. it's just not pretty. but it's still really good, so i can't say that it will never pass my lips again.
i'm sure more will come to mind. look for updates!
1. any frozen concoction made by marie calendar or anything of the sort.
i used to get frozen pot pies in college. i'm not sure if i used to buy Hungry Man dinners or Stouffer's frozen heart attacks in a box, but i used to eat those when i was a kid. never again.
2. big mac
or anything from McDonald's, probably. i like the chicken mcnuggets, but the last time i ate them, my colon had something loud to say about it. i used to get their fries as a snack, but it's been at least 8 years since that. i just can't be sure my lower intestine wouldn't launch a diatribe against anything on their menu.
oh, wait. i may eat their yogurt parfaits. but this leads me to #3.
3. any milk-based product
i haven't drank milk in about 5 years. every morning, i used to eat cereal with milk for breakfast. then my train rides would turn into white-knuckle, bowel-clenching rollercoaster... and not the good kind. usually, i would have to get off at a earlier stop and devastate some poor innocent shop keep's bathroom. i thought i has IBS (what woman doesn't), but then i forced my doc to give me an allergy test. sho'nuff, that pesky guy milk was tops on the list.
i had continued to eat ice cream and cheese and yogurt. sometimes, certain cheeses gave me a hard time, but i suffered through because i love it so much. but sometimes nothing happened. who knows what combination causes my immune system to attack. but as of June 21, i have given up. we'll see how long that lasts. but milk. no way.
4. Hostess anything
i don't know what it is about being a kid, but i don't remember hostess pies leaving that film of grease on the roof of my mouth. but it does now. and with 400+ calories and 2345678g of fat, i think it's best to leave these fruit-filled fat pockets to the humans under the age of 10.
5. jack's frozen pizza
i could crap a better pizza. no Jack's is cheap enough that i would choose that over, say, eating an entire box of stale saltines with tomato sauce and cheese.
6. instant ramen
my sister LOVES this shit. i couldn't even stomach it in college. i can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about the sodium levels. i'll never be so poor that i would buy ramen.
little caeser's pizza. especially baby pan pan
i don't think they make baby pan pan anymore, but never, ever again. there isn't a toilet close enough to sustain my bowel grief once i eat that stuff. it's amazing how i tortured myself during my college years.
OK, i've run out of things that i know i won't eat again. how about another list...
Things i know i shouldn't eat again, but probably will
1. little caesar's crazy bread
granted, i don't eat it with the butter, but goddamn, is that shit good.
2. little debbie
it's been a LONG TIME since i've eating one of these. i don't see them around really and even when i do, they tend to do the same thing to the roof of my mouth as the Hostess pies. but i do enjoy a good Nutty Bar. so i can't say for sure i'll never eat one of these again. mmmm... oatmeal creme pie.
3. kraft mac and cheese
i can eat an entire box of this shit. and not that gooey cheese-in-the-pouch stuff... the real, powdered cheese stuff. granted, in my advanced age, i have made mac and cheese with real pasta and real cheese. but there's something about buying that kraft blue box that takes me back to my childhood. and high school. and college. and my 20s. you get the idea.
4. stove top stuffing
it's been a looooong time since i've seen this on the shelf and thought, ooo, i could have that for dinner tonight. and thank god, really, because something in that red box wrecks havoc on my stomach. and not like the previous things in this list. it gives me awful, awful, EPA-inducing gas. it's just not pretty. but it's still really good, so i can't say that it will never pass my lips again.
i'm sure more will come to mind. look for updates!
posted by mikraas at 9:28 PM
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