ever have one of those days when you feel like your life has been a total waste of carbon dioxide? i just want to put this out there: i have nothing to look forward to. i have no fast-track for my "career," i have no hope of owning a house and property that i can make flourish at my own hand, i have no talents that my computer won't keep erasing. i live in the city with the highest taxes, the most useless commuter system, the most corrupt officials. i am powerless to change anything. and before you break out the "hurrah for life" crap, save your breath. you are all beaten down, you're just in denial. oh, sure, maybe you have someone in your life who has goals or wants to improve their life and bring you with them. not i. my life now will be exactly the same life 10-20-30 years from now. nothing will ever change. some of you will get raises or better jobs. someone out there has faith that you're worth something to THEM. they're willing to pay you what you're worth to do a job you're proud of. not me. i get to do twice the work with none of the extra pay. yeah, i know, get in line. and i can complain all i want to my boss, he'll just come up with some bullshit budget excuse. basically, i'm not worth it to him. i am not worth anything to anyone. oh yeah, i'm a companion. i laugh at jokes, i watch movies, i make food on occasion. i drive, i grocery shop, i pay bills, i clean, i fluff fold and organize. but that doesn't mean i'm worth anything to anyone. i do it because i'm bored. what else would i do? come up with a cure for cancer? bring down todd stroger? burn down all of the crack houses in chicago? no one would care if i did any of that. i am one useless person in a sea of other more useful people. people who have goals and promotions in their future and have something to strive for. and you know what's really pissing me off? this whole kid thing. when i think about it, i don't want kids. i don't want kids as in the "2 car, 1.5 pets, suburban house, playdate moms" kind of kids. but why am i keeping all of my stuffed animals from my childhood? what's the fucking point? why do i keep going to my family reunion every fucking year when it's the same damn people and i have nothing new to add? the thing that's hard about all of this is that i wasn't one of those "programmed" women... you know the type. the ones who played "wedding" as a dress up game when they were 5. the ones who wanted to be princesses when they grew up. the ones who couldn't imagine NOT having kids. it's much easier to blend into society when you're one of those. sure, there are disappointment when you realize that your prince isn't anything more than a car dealer, but if he wants to be a good father, what more did you hope for? but think about me for a second. someone who barely thought about getting married until the day before it actually happened. someone who has convinced herself that having kids is the surefire way to ruin any healthy relationship. a surefire way to turn into one of "those" women... the ones who say they gave up their whole lives for their kids. then when they leave the nest, they started dressing up the dog. but how to do you change your mind? what argument can you possibly come up with? i want to have kids because i have nothing else to do with my life? because i have to have someone to give all this crap to? because i just haven't been puked on enough? when you want kids from day one, no one asks you why. but what do you say if/when you change your mind? and you picked a partner because he didn't want to inseminate you before the white dress came off. actually, he has no interest in inseminating you at all. so i see these women who are pregnant and i think, "someone thought them worthy enough to make another human being with. how nice it must be for them to be wanted for more than a fart joke." since i'm not wanted anywhere in my life, job, family, future, what else do i have to hope for? that my husband might want to stop talking about how fucking cute all of his friend's kids' are and finally say he wants one with me? i can't even hope that would ever happen, because he told me he would divorce me if i ever changed my mind. at the age of 34, it's pretty much a moot point. every time i miss my period (or it's late), i hope for early menopause so i can stop torturing myself. so i will have my answer, my excuse, to just not have a child. and to stop wondering what to say to a partner who never saw that side of me, that side i always really hoped someone would notice.