losing weight

so i'm back on the weight watchers band wagon. i was getting tired of being completely uncomfortable in even my fat pants and tired of thinking how fat i feel every waking second of the day. and i'm not kidding. every time i put something in my mouth, i think, if i didn't eat this, i could lose weight. i bought some rice cakes, thinking that they were healthy. then i read somewhere that they have a extraordinary high glycemic index. of course. and my cravings for carbs have known no bounds. ice cream (light, of course), cereal (high-fiber, but also high in calories), oatmeal, and any sweets anyone brings in. i have NO CONTROL.

but lately things have been fitting terribly. and i didn't really think that my eating was that out of control. it really isn't, but i guess there something that is different, be it my ever-increasing age or my lack of exercise. so yesterday, wearing what used to be "fat pants," i signed up for WW again. i had planned on going to a meeting last night, but it had been changed from 5:30 when i went about a year ago to 6:30. so i'm going at 5:30 on thursday.

i printed out a menu of crap to eat for the week, which is going to be really interesting. this morning, instead of my 3/4 cup of grape nuts (6.5 points, including the almond milk), i had ONE low-fat waffle with light yoplait and dried cranberries. it was pretty good, but now, at 9:06am, my stomach is totally growling and i can barely think.

that's what pisses me off about my particular challenge in losing weight. my brain just shuts the fuck down when i'm hungry. i can't think, i can't work, my hands get shaky, all i want to do is stare out the window and do nothing. if i wait too long to eat, my stomach puts up a revolt, complete with gas pains and sharp cramps. why? why does this happen? it makes cutting calories almost impossible. i'm going to try not to use it as an excuse in the hopes it's just my horrible food choices in the past months, but it's literally a pain.

so i made myself a sandwich on this horribly weak bread that will fall apart the second i go to put in my mouth. the good thing about WW is that this list of food isn't full of anything i haven't already eaten. vegetables, low-calorie bread, fruits, low-cal yogurt... it's all part of my daily intake. the problem is i intake too much of it. well, not as much of the veggies as i should.

anyway, cross your fingers that this goes quickly and easily. i really hate feeling like this. and i have a whole closet and tons of storage bins full of cute clothes that i just look and feel horrible in. i could just go shopping, but i just don't want to accept myself as a size 12 yet.