unspoken rules of starbucks
i am going to let you all in on the little secrets of starbucks. this may help you to avoid glares or attitude that you might be experiencing at your local store.
behavior that will get you decaffed*:
1. talking on your phone when you order. you don't have to hang up, but at least give us your full attention when you are ordering. and make sure the transaction is over and done before you go back to your inane conversation. i don't want to have to repeat your order 500 times before you finally look me in the eye and listen to what i'm saying. and i sure as shit don't want you coming back and saying that i got your order wrong 'cause you couldn't stop talking about that sore that just won't heal.
2. being an asshole. this is kind of a given. yes, we know you go to starbucks everyday and that you think you're quite the big cheese, but i don't give a fuck what you want to drink when you spit it out at me like i'm something you wouldn't even scrape off your shoe. oh, you want a quad shot of espresso to get through all of the hostage negotiating that you have to do tonight? too bad. decaf!
3. adding unnecessary modifiers to your drink. i'm sure we're all supposed to be impressed that you've got us jumping like a bunch of monkeys, putting in your half of a splenda and 2 pumps of this and 2 pumps of that with half soy and half whole milk. but chances are, you're just gonna end up with a decaf latte made with 2% because that's what we have handy. and you won't know the damn difference.
things that just irritate people who work at starbucks:
1. coming in 2 minutes before we close and ordering 5 drinks. really? you want 3 frapuccinos at 8:27pm? i'll get right on that.
2. people who don't have their orders ready. you've been standing in line for about 20 minutes. you get to the counter... and stand there for 5 minutes, agonizing over your drink decision. did you forget where you were? this isn't the line for the bus, lady. there are about 10 people behind you who know what they want, so chop-chop. oh, and you've probably been to starbucks 100 times. you should know the damn menu by now.
3. people who don't have their money ready. imagine that you're waiting behind someone for about 5 minutes. you've got your sweaty $2 in your hand, ready to order your tall coffee. the girl in front of you orders her grande in a venti cup nonfat no foam chai. then she spends the next 5 minutes rummaging around in her 50 gallon purse for $5.64 in change to pay. really, honey? you couldn't have had that ready? no one likes standing in line, but for the love of god, could you think about someone else's misery for 5 seconds and get your shit together?
4. people who say, "i'll have a (insert drink name here)" without specifying a size. yes, i know our sizes are kooky, but we also accept the standard small, medium and large. and don't look at us like we've just asked you what the capital of Kenya is. you only have three choices. (ok, the trenta is a new size, but only 4 drinks come in that size.)
5. people who say, "i'll have a breakfast sandwich." ok, we only have 6 to choose from. this one chick today ordered just that and looked shocked when we asked her which one she wanted. like any other food establishment could get by on having something just called "a breakfast sandwich." mmm, sounds vague.
6. throwing your money down on the counter, especially when i have my hand out ready to receive it. are you blind? are you too good to actually hand me your hard-earned greenbacks? unless your a native of japan, where it's standard to not hand money directly to someone, please just place it my outstretched hand. oh, and that handful of wadded up singles you just dug out of your jeans? you're going to stand there and wait while i smooth them all out before i give you your change.
7. do not, under any circumstances, reach over or behind the bar to get anything. if you see something you want, like those little green stoppers, please ask. don't reach for cups or lids or anything that might cause you to drag your dirty-ass sleeves across/in our sanitized drink area. gross. nothing like a pumpkin spice pump with hair stuck to it.
8. talls in venti cups. really? you hate the taste of coffee that bad that you need to put that much cream and sugar in it? oh, don't worry, milk doesn't cost us anything, just go ahead and have 8oz of it. for free.
9. modifiers after i've cashed you out. oh, you wanted sugar-free syrup in your coffee? well, it's 50 cents extra. and if you think you're going to get it for free just because you already paid, guess again, cheapskate.
10. anyone who orders "coffee with 4 creams and 2 sugars." this isn't dunkin fucking donuts. you put your own damn stuff in your own coffee, thank you very much.
11. anyone who wants a steamed topper on anything. our coffee is 200 degrees. but making us pour 8oz of milk in a pitcher and steam it to 160 will certainly make a difference versus just a little bit of cold soy or milk. and we don't charge for toppers either. oh, and the cold milk? it's over there on the bar by the door.
12. people who come in and spread their shit everywhere for 6 hours and don't buy a damn thing. hey, that internet isn't free to us, you know. go watch your uTube somewhere else. this isn't the goddamnned public library. every day our cafe is filled with people who buy a $1.65 coffee and sit FOR HOURS and surf the net. FILLED. as in, no more seats. SRO. as in, people who actually purchased food and drink who want to sit have to go somewhere else.
13. asking for water. if you ordered anything, fine. order the water with your drink. but if you just come in and ask for a water, we will turn you away. our plastic cups are one of the most expensive things in the store, so we're not just give you water because you can't find a drinking fountain.
14. refill rule: if you buy a coffee, sit down and hang out, and then come back to the counter for more coffee, it's 55 cents. if you get a coffee, leave the store and come back hours later with your nasty-ass cup with dregs of brown watery sludge in the bottom, you'll get our standard cup discount, 10 cents off full price. and don't bother arguing with us. since the turn-over in our store is practically nil, we know who's been here and who left. and when you have your jacket on, it's a dead giveaway that you haven't been sitting around in our cafe.
15. if english isn't your first language, we may ask you repeat your order several times to make sure we got it right. please don't get angry at us. and if we repeat your order and then you nod, we assume you understood us. don't come back after you've gotten the drink and pantomime frantically that it wasn't what you wanted. we're trying our best with your limited capability with our language. and we'll make the drink over, if we can understand you.
16. not paying attention to when we close the store (this goes along with #1, but i don't feel like renumbering them all). our store now closes at 8:30. we will give you at least a 10 minute warning so you can clean up your shit. when we say we close at 8:30, that doesn't mean that 8:30 is when you finally stand up and start getting your stuff together. that means you're out the door and on your way somewhere else. and don't look so surprised when we announce we're closing. it's clearly posted right next to the door. it's not our fault you don't pay attention.
17. not getting your drink when it's called. if you are the only one waiting, it's not a big deal if you don't grab it right away. but if there's a line of people waiting and you don't hear us call your drink because you're off gabbing on your phone or to your friend, chances are someone is going to grab it accidentally. and nothing makes a barista more nervous when we see an unclaimed drink. did we mess something up? is there another drink that we missed in lieu of this abandoned one? and having to remake a drink during a rush really ruins our flow. we also love to yell across the store "grande nonfat latte!!" a hundred times. no, really.
the same goes for food. if you order and toasted bagel and then sit down, you better be ready to jump up and grab it when call it or we're going to let it sit there and get cold. pay a-fucking-ttention.
18. it's not a big deal that you can't remember the order that your 8-step drink goes in. that's our job. just let us know what you want, pay, and move on. especially if there's a line behind you.
19. people who leave behind a mess. i don't get upset when people leave actual dishes, like plates and mugs, on the tables, but drink cups and napkins should be thrown away by able-bodied people. and the bar where you pour your half and half? could you at least try to throw your napkins and torn sugar packets in that hole in the middle? and would it kill you to put the carafes back where you got them? and, instead of pouring half of your coffee into the trash, ask us next time to leave a little room. thanks.
i'm sure there's more, but that pretty much covers it for today. for the most part, the customers we get are great regulars that we know by name and hang out with and chat up. it's the non-regulars that throw a wrench in the works from time to time. this woman came in today and asked for a "skinny latte." the girl at the register asked her if she wanted syrup in it or just a nonfat latte. she explained that "skinny" usually meant sugar-free syrup and skim milk. "oh, i didn't know that!" like we were the ones who didn't know what we were talking about. and i certainly hope that her regular starbucks had been letting her get away with that order this whole time.
please also keep in mind that just because we're working at starbucks, we're not dumb worker drones. i have never met anyone who has chosen starbucks as their first career choice. several of the people i work with have one, if not several, degrees and are working on other projects outside of the cafe. we are in the customer service sector, yes, and we will be as cordial to you as humanly possible. but please don't assume that we are hear to cater to all of your whims and demands because we are wearing the apron. don't make us hate wearing that apron.
thanks and have a good afternoon.
* instead of regular espresso, we give you decaf espresso. we don't brew decaf coffee after noon, so it would be too conspicuous to do for coffee. so if you drink coffee, i guess you can be as big of a jerk as you want.
behavior that will get you decaffed*:
1. talking on your phone when you order. you don't have to hang up, but at least give us your full attention when you are ordering. and make sure the transaction is over and done before you go back to your inane conversation. i don't want to have to repeat your order 500 times before you finally look me in the eye and listen to what i'm saying. and i sure as shit don't want you coming back and saying that i got your order wrong 'cause you couldn't stop talking about that sore that just won't heal.
2. being an asshole. this is kind of a given. yes, we know you go to starbucks everyday and that you think you're quite the big cheese, but i don't give a fuck what you want to drink when you spit it out at me like i'm something you wouldn't even scrape off your shoe. oh, you want a quad shot of espresso to get through all of the hostage negotiating that you have to do tonight? too bad. decaf!
3. adding unnecessary modifiers to your drink. i'm sure we're all supposed to be impressed that you've got us jumping like a bunch of monkeys, putting in your half of a splenda and 2 pumps of this and 2 pumps of that with half soy and half whole milk. but chances are, you're just gonna end up with a decaf latte made with 2% because that's what we have handy. and you won't know the damn difference.
things that just irritate people who work at starbucks:
1. coming in 2 minutes before we close and ordering 5 drinks. really? you want 3 frapuccinos at 8:27pm? i'll get right on that.
2. people who don't have their orders ready. you've been standing in line for about 20 minutes. you get to the counter... and stand there for 5 minutes, agonizing over your drink decision. did you forget where you were? this isn't the line for the bus, lady. there are about 10 people behind you who know what they want, so chop-chop. oh, and you've probably been to starbucks 100 times. you should know the damn menu by now.
3. people who don't have their money ready. imagine that you're waiting behind someone for about 5 minutes. you've got your sweaty $2 in your hand, ready to order your tall coffee. the girl in front of you orders her grande in a venti cup nonfat no foam chai. then she spends the next 5 minutes rummaging around in her 50 gallon purse for $5.64 in change to pay. really, honey? you couldn't have had that ready? no one likes standing in line, but for the love of god, could you think about someone else's misery for 5 seconds and get your shit together?
4. people who say, "i'll have a (insert drink name here)" without specifying a size. yes, i know our sizes are kooky, but we also accept the standard small, medium and large. and don't look at us like we've just asked you what the capital of Kenya is. you only have three choices. (ok, the trenta is a new size, but only 4 drinks come in that size.)
5. people who say, "i'll have a breakfast sandwich." ok, we only have 6 to choose from. this one chick today ordered just that and looked shocked when we asked her which one she wanted. like any other food establishment could get by on having something just called "a breakfast sandwich." mmm, sounds vague.
6. throwing your money down on the counter, especially when i have my hand out ready to receive it. are you blind? are you too good to actually hand me your hard-earned greenbacks? unless your a native of japan, where it's standard to not hand money directly to someone, please just place it my outstretched hand. oh, and that handful of wadded up singles you just dug out of your jeans? you're going to stand there and wait while i smooth them all out before i give you your change.
7. do not, under any circumstances, reach over or behind the bar to get anything. if you see something you want, like those little green stoppers, please ask. don't reach for cups or lids or anything that might cause you to drag your dirty-ass sleeves across/in our sanitized drink area. gross. nothing like a pumpkin spice pump with hair stuck to it.
8. talls in venti cups. really? you hate the taste of coffee that bad that you need to put that much cream and sugar in it? oh, don't worry, milk doesn't cost us anything, just go ahead and have 8oz of it. for free.
9. modifiers after i've cashed you out. oh, you wanted sugar-free syrup in your coffee? well, it's 50 cents extra. and if you think you're going to get it for free just because you already paid, guess again, cheapskate.
10. anyone who orders "coffee with 4 creams and 2 sugars." this isn't dunkin fucking donuts. you put your own damn stuff in your own coffee, thank you very much.
11. anyone who wants a steamed topper on anything. our coffee is 200 degrees. but making us pour 8oz of milk in a pitcher and steam it to 160 will certainly make a difference versus just a little bit of cold soy or milk. and we don't charge for toppers either. oh, and the cold milk? it's over there on the bar by the door.
12. people who come in and spread their shit everywhere for 6 hours and don't buy a damn thing. hey, that internet isn't free to us, you know. go watch your uTube somewhere else. this isn't the goddamnned public library. every day our cafe is filled with people who buy a $1.65 coffee and sit FOR HOURS and surf the net. FILLED. as in, no more seats. SRO. as in, people who actually purchased food and drink who want to sit have to go somewhere else.
13. asking for water. if you ordered anything, fine. order the water with your drink. but if you just come in and ask for a water, we will turn you away. our plastic cups are one of the most expensive things in the store, so we're not just give you water because you can't find a drinking fountain.
14. refill rule: if you buy a coffee, sit down and hang out, and then come back to the counter for more coffee, it's 55 cents. if you get a coffee, leave the store and come back hours later with your nasty-ass cup with dregs of brown watery sludge in the bottom, you'll get our standard cup discount, 10 cents off full price. and don't bother arguing with us. since the turn-over in our store is practically nil, we know who's been here and who left. and when you have your jacket on, it's a dead giveaway that you haven't been sitting around in our cafe.
15. if english isn't your first language, we may ask you repeat your order several times to make sure we got it right. please don't get angry at us. and if we repeat your order and then you nod, we assume you understood us. don't come back after you've gotten the drink and pantomime frantically that it wasn't what you wanted. we're trying our best with your limited capability with our language. and we'll make the drink over, if we can understand you.
16. not paying attention to when we close the store (this goes along with #1, but i don't feel like renumbering them all). our store now closes at 8:30. we will give you at least a 10 minute warning so you can clean up your shit. when we say we close at 8:30, that doesn't mean that 8:30 is when you finally stand up and start getting your stuff together. that means you're out the door and on your way somewhere else. and don't look so surprised when we announce we're closing. it's clearly posted right next to the door. it's not our fault you don't pay attention.
17. not getting your drink when it's called. if you are the only one waiting, it's not a big deal if you don't grab it right away. but if there's a line of people waiting and you don't hear us call your drink because you're off gabbing on your phone or to your friend, chances are someone is going to grab it accidentally. and nothing makes a barista more nervous when we see an unclaimed drink. did we mess something up? is there another drink that we missed in lieu of this abandoned one? and having to remake a drink during a rush really ruins our flow. we also love to yell across the store "grande nonfat latte!!" a hundred times. no, really.
the same goes for food. if you order and toasted bagel and then sit down, you better be ready to jump up and grab it when call it or we're going to let it sit there and get cold. pay a-fucking-ttention.
18. it's not a big deal that you can't remember the order that your 8-step drink goes in. that's our job. just let us know what you want, pay, and move on. especially if there's a line behind you.
19. people who leave behind a mess. i don't get upset when people leave actual dishes, like plates and mugs, on the tables, but drink cups and napkins should be thrown away by able-bodied people. and the bar where you pour your half and half? could you at least try to throw your napkins and torn sugar packets in that hole in the middle? and would it kill you to put the carafes back where you got them? and, instead of pouring half of your coffee into the trash, ask us next time to leave a little room. thanks.
i'm sure there's more, but that pretty much covers it for today. for the most part, the customers we get are great regulars that we know by name and hang out with and chat up. it's the non-regulars that throw a wrench in the works from time to time. this woman came in today and asked for a "skinny latte." the girl at the register asked her if she wanted syrup in it or just a nonfat latte. she explained that "skinny" usually meant sugar-free syrup and skim milk. "oh, i didn't know that!" like we were the ones who didn't know what we were talking about. and i certainly hope that her regular starbucks had been letting her get away with that order this whole time.
please also keep in mind that just because we're working at starbucks, we're not dumb worker drones. i have never met anyone who has chosen starbucks as their first career choice. several of the people i work with have one, if not several, degrees and are working on other projects outside of the cafe. we are in the customer service sector, yes, and we will be as cordial to you as humanly possible. but please don't assume that we are hear to cater to all of your whims and demands because we are wearing the apron. don't make us hate wearing that apron.
thanks and have a good afternoon.
* instead of regular espresso, we give you decaf espresso. we don't brew decaf coffee after noon, so it would be too conspicuous to do for coffee. so if you drink coffee, i guess you can be as big of a jerk as you want.
posted by mikraas at 2:25 PM
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