valentine's day

you didn't really think i'd let the schmaltziest day in the universe creep up without bagging on it, did you?

i hate valentine's day. oh, sure, i loved it when i was a kid. you got to cut out paper hearts in pink and red and decorate those bags for your classmates to put in their required valentine's day cards. sometimes you got candy. but as an adult, i'm against any holiday that makes the man feel like he has to one-up christmas. for some women, this holiday signifies how much their man loves them. men who have women like this should leave them immediately, of course. but they won't. they like to prove their love with a costly bauble. it gives them the right to sit around for the rest of the year, watching whatever sport is in season and have the wife or girlfriend pick up after them. "why don't you do the dishes, honey," she asks. "remember that 3 carat diamond necklace i bought you for that ridiculous holiday called valentine's?" he replies. she slinks away to get the dish rack, fingering the car payment's worth of rocks hanging around her neck.

i just don't get it.

i agree with dan savage's take on valentine's day:

"I get letters every year from women who think Valentine's Day is an empty exercise, but are ironically pretty exercised when their boyfriends neglect or forget it. There's this movement to form a day called Steak And A Blowjob Day, which would be the male version of Valentine's Day, where women would come through with a steak and a blowjob in return for the chocolate and flowers that guys come through with, and I support that holiday."

don't expect me to swoon with joy over the crappy construction hearts hanging around the subway restaurant by my house, or at any other establishments, this holiday. they'll only make me happy if they happen to run out of toilet paper.