one of those days

it's one of those days when i feel like i have razors cutting me from the inside. i am so irritated and anxious and annoyed. i am bored but can't find anything to entertain me. i am hungry, but nothing is appetizing. i am tired, but i'm at work so i can't just fall asleep. if i were a kid right now, i'd have a meltdown. i just feel out-of-sorts. unsettled. can't concentrate. and i have 2.5 hours before i can get the fuck out of here. kill me now. i just feel that my life should be more interesting, but it's just not and i can't figure out how to make it so. i don't want to sky dive, i don't want to be president, i don't want to write an award-winning screenplay. i just want my life to be better. more interesting. you never get used to being unhappy i guess.

grateful?

i know i shouldn't post about this, but it's the truth. and i promise not to bad-mouth anyone. this is just merely my opinion. i don't like my job. i love the company, i love the people, but what i actually do day in and day out drives me crazy. i don't want to get out of bed in the morning. i don't want to drive the 12 miles to work. i don't want to drag myself up the stairs and sit at my desk behind bland cubicle for 7 hours a day. i don't want to look at my emails which, more often than not, will send me on some useless fact-finding mission. or a clean-up mission. or a hand-holding mission. i am a designer. we're all technically designers here. my job title is "senior designer." what i am, really, is a project manager. i rarely touch any pages. if i do, it's in such a limited capacity that it can barely be considered design. but let me be completely honest with you. i don't want to design. i want to do layout. i want to do what we pay India to do for 20 cents a page. so i sit here, in my beige cubicle, and mark up prototypes so someone else can do a cheap, but crappy job at what i would really love to do. am i grateful to have a job that pays the bills? of course. i should be, right? i know that there are a lot of out-of-word designers who would love to have this gig. it pays well, it's not very strenuous, there's not any negative work issues, it's not a hostile work environment, and the people totally rule. but i will not say i'm happy to bounce out of bed at 6am, five days a week and come in here to do my job. 'cause i'm not. i do it because i have to. and goddamn it, i'm good at it. but it's boring. it's boring at the speed of light, but it's still boring. and i'd like to say as an end note, i sold myself short being a designer. and now here i am. reaping the benefits of that. oh, well. gotta go check my email.