bill maher has a point, even if i don't have a gardener

i got this from another blog, which stated that this was on bill maher's April 7th show on HBO

"Don't blame illegal immigrants for driving down wages. Blame Congress. Republicans in Congress have to stop saying that the problem with Mexicans coming over the border is they keep wages down. You know what keeps wages down? The fact that Congress hasn't raised the minimum wage since 1997. 1997, when my dealer still had a beeper! Car dealer, car dealer, what did I say?

Yes, news flash: Congress controls what the minimum wage is. Who did you think it was, the valet parking team at Tony Roma's? And upping the minimum wage would affect wages. It has to. The word "wage" is right in it. Even George Bush could understand that. Maybe not. The point is, the elephant in the room is that no one can live on minimum wage, and that we are making a whole swath of our society - tens of millions of people - live like animals. So that the luckier segment can live with indulgences their parents never dreamed of.

Do you know that most upper-middle-class people nowadays never clean their own toilet or do their own laundry...until they go to rehab.

Adjusted for inflation, the minimum wage is actually lower than it was in 1968, the year George Bush graduated from Yale. And that is unforgivable! And the wage thing is bad, too.

People like to tell themselves that these immigrants do the jobs Americans won't do. Not true. Americans will pick fruit in the hot sun. But not at $5.15 an hour. Trust me. If some of these jobs paid real wages, your wife would be having sex with a Jewish gardener.

Americans want the contributions of the poor and the immigrant without having to actually see or be among them. Which is why I suggest, instead of building a wall on the border, we build a Wal-Mart. It would be 1,950 miles long, or the size of a normal Wal-Mart. And there would still be just the one register open. But it would solve this problem.

Because if we built this Wal-Mart exactly on the border, the Americans could come through the front door and shop, and the Mexicans could come through the back door and work. And then go home the same way at night, unless they got locked in. It is Wal-Mart.

In summation, I am not saying that raising the minimum wage is going to solve the illegal immigration problem. That can only be solved by arming Lou Dobbs. But five bucks an hour in an America where the luckier ones spend that on a coffee, is a cruel joke. And if you don't believe me, do what I do. Listen to the voices of those poor souls who are making this paltry sum. Of course, I have to. They're my staff."

moving, or redefining the role of "home"

so, i'm moving in two days. i have completely dismantled my apartment, gotten down into the darkest recesses of every closet and every cabinet. everything that isn't nailed down (and even some stuff that was) is in boxes. my kitchen table has been taken apart, as has my 1920s vintage vanity and all of my bookshelves.

my apartment has now ceased to be my home.

i don't recognize it anymore. i made a pizza, but i couldn't find where i had packed my oven sheet or my aluminum foil. nothing is where i am used to it being. my bathroom echos because i've taken down the shower curtain and all of my towels. all of my photos are off the walls and all of my DVDs are packed. even my simpsons stuff.

and i know that once i move, i will be setting up a new apartment. and it won't be "home" until everything has a place. until i reach for something instinctively and it's there. a cookie sheet, my perfume, a pencil sharpener. i'll feel unsettled until things are in place.

and it'll be nice to be unsettled with another person. and as a joke, i'll unpack his stuff and put it in places he'll never find it. heh-heh. hey, this could be fun!

but i really do enjoy setting things up. i enjoy unpacking and finding stuff. it's like christmas all over again. of course, it's all used stuff, but that's ok. i know i'll like it.

heaven help me...

i've discovered blogthings.com.

but on a sort-of unrelated topic, i applied to UIC to get another undergraduate degree in biology. my goal is to figure out if i love disease and the human body enough to be able to be happy, have upward mobility in a medical field and to make shit-loads of money. but i haven't heard back from them yet. so i took this test to see if i am on the right track:

You Should Get a MD (Doctor of Medicine)

You're both compassionate and brilliant - a rare combination. You were born to be a doctor.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

i hope that once i get my MD, i look as goofy as this guy holding the giant band-aid.

quirk factor

funny, i thought i would be quirkier than just 58%...

Your Quirk Factor: 58%

You're a pretty quirky person, but you're just normal enough to hide it. Congratulations - you've fooled other people into thinking you're just like them!

How Quirky Are You?

i'm officially old

today is penelope cruz's birthday.

she is younger than me.

bring your spawn to work day

happy fourth thrusday of april. if you've had the pleasure of breeding, feel free to bring it to work with you. and it doesn't matter if it's too young to speak or walk or even use the bathroom. who cares if it doesn't understand WHY it's at work with you. that's not what "bring your spawn to work" day is about. no, it's about showing off, not about teaching your (supposedly) of-comprehensive-age child how the real world works. so you can then beat them down and crush their spirits in an attepmt to get them prepared to work under people who are completely unqualified for their over-paid positions. you have dreams? you have hopes to legitamately climb to the top? ha! best you bring that kid to work to show him/her how it really is. show them that their parents bust their asses just to prevent the boss from yelling at them. and if they go above and beyond the call of duty, they won't get rewarded. oh, no! it'll just be expected of them!

if "bring your spawn to work" day does nothing else, let's make sure the children learn that they are merely cogs in a never-ending rotation of useless production. because a job isn't about identity, kids. it's about earning enough to pay those ever-piling bills for your clothes, education and food. because if it wasn't for you, child, your mommy or daddy wouldn't have to work.

now get filing.

a milestone!

no, i haven't lost 10 pounds in an afternoon. this milestone is much more exciting than that.

i got tired of emptying my trash on my yahoo mail account. so, in 2004, i stopped. it soon went up past 1,000. it hovered around 6,500 for a while. but i recently filled out some crappy questionnaire, which put my spam e-mail up over the top.

it finally hit 10,000.

i feel so... accomplished. it took almost 2 years, but i finally did it. i have all of those automatic spam computers to thank. yes, i want to increase my penis! yes, i want to refinance my home! yes, i want a better sex life! yes! yes! yes to it all!

i wonder how long it will take to reach 15,000. only time, and a ton of online shopping, will tell.

heart rate monitors are trying to kill me

i haven't been talking a lot about my weight watchers journey because... well, because i've been packing like a bastard. but here's how it's been going:

crappy.

i lost .4 pounds the first week. then i lost 3.4 pounds, due to water reduction, if you know what i mean. then the next week, i lost .4 pounds. yeah, .4 pounds. why do they even bother recording it? then, yesterday, i gained. .6 pounds. so, i said, "fuck this" and i went out to dinner with scott and ate a cheeseburger and we split a dessert. but i can't just give up. but today starts the week before my hormonal angst, which means that i want to eat everything in site.

so... today i worked out. i decided i would do the elliptical machine. i got on and hit "fat burn" workout. i started working out. but the screen didn't change. i busted my ass for about 5 minutes before i realized that i needed to hit one more button before it would register my workout. so i did that. then it said, "will increase resistance until heart rate is acheived." so i put my hands on the metal thingies that are supposed to register my heart rate. no reading. i kept huffing it, no reading. i broke my ass for about 5 more minutes before it hit me: the damn things don't work. what's the fucking point?

so, now my heart rate was up to about 200, but the machine didn't know that. it kept increasing the resistance. ahhhh, modern technology. i eventually cancelled that "fat burn" workout and just used the manual mode.

even when i try to work out, it's a failure. maybe some day it'll work.

now if you'll excuse me, i have to go cram my maw full of splenda-filled, chemical-based treats.

allow me to back-pedal

upon some harsh comments left about this "letter," i must profess it's not as funny as i first thought. allow me to annotate:

Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this. I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.
free? hell, even as an american, i don't get free medical care. and if they call those shitty clinics that are open once a month for an hour and are run by a doctor who graduated from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, then i'd rather stay sick
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
almost all of europe has signs in english. and i seriously doubt it's because of england's overwheming influence on the EU
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
this is so ridiculous, i don't even know what to say. at my old place of business, they have the canadian flag flying. i still haven't figured that one out.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
most of the american schools can barely afford to feed schoolkids. and if you call government-issue greasy pizza and an apple "lunch," then you need to consult the food pyramid
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
what government services? the USless post office? and who says you need a driver's license to drive?
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
don't worry. we don't bother with that here in america, either.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
hello? can you say, "racial profiling?" since when do american cops leave immigrants alone?
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
ok, i reserve the right to bitch when hispanic people do this. once, i accidently drove through a part of town during one of these celebrations. i just wish the US government would makme a BIGGER deal out of it so i would know when it was happening and i could leave town.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
nice job? what's a nice job? hauling scrap metal? picking grapes in 100 degree heat with one bathroom break? you need to look up the name "cesar chavez" and get back to me about "nice jobs."
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy. I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
ah, yes. all of those tolerant american people, who never have a harsh word to say about the people who do the jobs they would rather die than do.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.
i wish i could invite chaney to go quail hunting with chaney.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,

American Voters
you know, the ones who voted for George W. Bush. don't we deserve respect?

the geico gecko

i hate him. i hate him and his accent. what the fuck is up with that accent? i didn't know cocknies taught geckos to talk. please, for the love of god, someone run over him with a steamroller.

ps. some of you may find this interesting: Geico is a Berkshire Hathaway-owned insurance company.

recipe for feeling like a lazy/fat-ass

1 never-ending appetite for sweets and chocolate
1 part-time job at a place with access with to said sweets and chocolate
1 tv show about Ironman amputee Sarah Reinertsen.

yeah, that's right. ironman. 2.4 miles of swimming. 112 miles of bicycling. 26.2 miles of running. by a woman on ONE LEG.

i officially have NO EXCUSE for not working out. and neither does anyone else.

stuff for sale

i know, i know. who ever reads this blog either already knows i have crap for sale and doesn't want it, or else lives too far away to come and get it. but here it is, just in case:

• yellow wingback chair. i got this at the salvation army a few years ago. it's been covered by a sheet and has been adopted by the place to lay by my cat. i think i may have sat in this chair maybe 5 times.

• 17" ViewSonic monitor. it's big and takes up a lot of space. i haven't used it since i've gotten my laptop. it's in its original box with the foam inserts and all that rot. it also comes with an adapter for a mac computer.

• scanner ScanMaker X6EL. it's got a SCSI connection, so it's useless with my laptop. it has an 8.5" x 14" scanbed. it's nice, but again, takes up a lot of room. also in its original box with a transparency sanner attachement.

• HP scanjet 940c. it's broken. the chain that moves the jet heads back and forth doesn't do its job anymore. also in its original box. i love to keep the boxes.

• classic guitar. new strings and beat up case.

if you're interested, make me an offer. or if you have a good place where i can donate my computer stuff, let me know. i have issues donating nice computer stuff to the salvation army guys who are just going to throw it around.

buy, install, repeat

i am trying to return my apartment to its pre-move-in state, which includes replacing broken blinds and broken light switch covers, replacing burnt out lights, cleaning cat hair from nooks and crannies, etc. now, i didn't think this would be a big deal. i went to the target in the addison mall. also in this mall is an anna's linens. i thought, what the hell, they have blinds. i'll check it out. so i go in there and buy 3 blinds in alabaster. before i purchase them, the clerk informs me that i can't return them if i open them. so if they're the wrong size, i'm boned. i say, "ok." then i go over to target. they have blinds, too, for $3-4 less, but they're white. but i can return them if they're the wrong size. so i buy those, too. i go back to anna's and do return #1 for the previously purchased blinds. then i go home and try to put them up. after i remove the old brackets and break very nail and swear and kick and scream to get the new brackets up, i put the new blind in...

they're too short.

so i wrap them back up, unscrew the brackets and put everything back in the boxes. i go back to target. return #2. i go and buy the right sizes. i go home. i install. they look good, but they scream out "we're WHITE! and everything else around us is CREAM!! you can't DESIGN! LALALALA!!!" assholes.

so... i go to home depot. they have alabaster in the right lengths. i buy them. i come home. i install them. they look great. finally.

i still have to return the other blinds to target. i'm so tired.

what they say IS true...

you really don't ever forget how to ride a bike.

i bought a bike. and no, not a motorcycle. a BI-cycle. it's been a while since i've owned a bike. and of course, getting back on one brings back all of the memories associated with my bicycle .

i got my first bike when i was 5. it was blue with a white banana seat. it had clouds on the chain guard. it was awesome. and my dad, the impatient man that he is, taught me how to ride it without training wheels. i remember wobbling around on this thing in some parking lot, unable to turn the handlebars and crashing into a curb while my dad yelled, "turn!! turn!!" after i got the hang of it, tho, it was a totally awesome feeling, to go so fast just by moving your legs around and around.

i got my first 10-speed on my 10th birthday. i rode that bike all over our small town. when i was 12 or 13, i got a hand-me-down race bike from one of my dad's friends who was in the local bike club with him. it was really cool, with no kick stand and very skinny tires. i think it might still be in my mom's bike storage, but i haven't checked in a while.

so, i got this bike. a trek 7000.


it's on the lower end of the hybrid list at village cycle. but they knew what they were talking about there, so i didn't mind giving them $300 of my money. i also got a free helmet, air pump, water bottle and bag. plus, if the bike sucks, i can return it within 7 days. i get three free tune-ups in the next two years. i think it was a sweet deal. and i took a little ride on it tonight. when i put the front tire back on, the brake rubbed and the gear crank thingie makes noises in certain gears, but i'll look into that. it takes me back to the days when i used to take my bike apart and tighten and adjust everything. it was nice having a garage. and time.

descretion?

i called in sick today. i seriously doubted that my mental health could have taken another day of work. which brings up another topic.... blog descrection.

i come here to voice my annoyances and to talk about things that piss me off and irritate me. but when i talk to people about how i have a blog, they usually want the web address. then i am sent into a tailspin of panic: "did i post anything really horrible? did i bash this person or something they cherish more than life on my blog? did i claim some sort of allegiance to something they abhor? is homeland security about to knock on my door?" to prevent this from happening, i have stopped giving out my blog address to people i don't know very well. and i've been a little bit more discreet about what i put on here. i leave the big, bad rants for my journal.

with that said, i am going to say that starbucks is starting to wear on me.

i worked with a young lady last night. she is a bitch. silence is her weapon and her short, mumbling directives are shot out like bullets. when you do something wrong or if you don't know how to do something, she pushes you out of the way and takes over with a huff, like you are the biggest idiot on the planet. she doesn't tell you what's going on or what's going to happen. she go through the night angry and irritated. why wouldn't i love working with a caring person such as this?

after working for about 20 days straight, having to deal with incompetence at SB during what should be my weekend, i needed a day off. and i called about 5 SB to get a replacement for my shift. and i don't feel bad.

ok, well. maybe a little.

i'm crazy

so, i'm moving in a month. i have a lot to do. i have to call any place that might need my new address, including the DMV and the phone company, which we know will not take mere minutes. these calls will take hours. and because i don't have an office phone, i would have to use my cell to conduct these calls. but my cell phone bill has reached federal deficit levels, so i have to get up at no o'clock in the morning to conduct my personal business. anyway, in addition to rearranging my life, i have taken on two new craft projects. one is a twelve days of christmas cross-stitch quilt. the other is something for a friend that i'd like to get done in the next three weeks. so, between packing and cleaning and calling all 8 of my credit card companies, i'll be sewing my ass off. attention deficit at its best.

oh, and while i'm packing, sewing, cleaning and calling, i'll be starving. i went to my second WW meetings. not that i really tried really really really hard, but i suffered and isn't that what counts? anyway, after i ate above and beyond all of my flex points (if you have to ask, you're not fat, so it don't matter) i lost .4 pounds. that's right, folks. POINT 4 pounds. wow. my socks fit much better thanks to that .4 pounds.

a piece of humor: a book on tape that you'll never hear: Mein Kampf as read by Jimmy JJ Walker. wow, the oblongs (a cartoon on adult swim) is fuct up.

dumpster diving

i love doing it. i consider it a competitive sport. it's amazing what people throw away. today, i was walking to starbucks to get my free pound of coffee and some other stuff i left behind when i bolted out the door at noon today, when i spotted a pile of crap in the alley. i got it all home and into my apartment before it started to storm. i rummaged through the drawers and found out some information about the person who used to own them.

her name is holly. she lived at 2424 north seminary, about 2 blocks west of where i found the containers. she is a girly-girl, who had some crazy college friends who show their tits to cameras ( i found pictures). she took a class for philosphy of justice, whatever the hell that is. she has big, loopy, girly writing (if she ever hopes to be taken seriously, she's going to have to work on that.) she must talk on the phone a lot because a cordless phone with a headset was thrown out. also a brand-new sony sports walkman. she dated some choad that too many pictures were devoted to. she wore thong underwear and was a size 11 on the bottom and a medium on the top. she banked at the bank of countryside in joliet. she used daisy razors (nobody should use those shin-shredders) and platex tampons. she also left behind a spiral-bound pink diary with 4-5 pages of friends names and phone numbers.

i feel unclean that i should know so much about someone i never met.

but it's cool that i got about $100 worth of plastic storage containers for free. i'm such a scavenger.

starbucks and fat

these two things have direct corrolations. in my attempt to not eat fattening, sweet, delicious treats, i go and work at a place that is full of them. i dropped a piece of cinnamon coffee cake on the counter, which means that we can't serve it to customers. but i can eat it. and eat it, i did. and i did the same thing with a piece of lemon pound cake. ugh. so. good. can't. resist. oh, well. if i lose anything this week, i'll be so surprised.

on a related note, i was flipping through my "complete food companion" and was taking note of horrible and weird foods listed. here is a sample of those foods:
antelope, cooked, 1 oz.-1 point
armadillo, cooked, 1 oz. - 1 point
bear, cooked, 1 oz. - 2 points
beefalo, cooked, 1 oz. - 1 point
bubble and squeak, 1 cup - 3 points
caribou, cooked, 1 oz. - 1 point
goat, cooked, 1 oz. - 1 point
heart, beef or chicken, cooked, 1 oz. - 1 point
horse, cooked, 1 oz. - 1 point
opossum, cooked, 1 oz - 2 points
pigeon, cooked, 1 oz. - 1 point
ptarmigan, muscle, raw, 3.5 oz. - 3 points
raccoon, cooked, 1 oz. - 1 point
rocky mountain oysters, 2 oz. - 10 points
seal, cooked, 1 oz. - 1 point
shark, cooked, 5 oz. steak - 5 points
skate, uncooked, 3.5 oz. - 2 points
squirrel, cooked, 1 oz. - 1 point
whale, cooked, 1 oz. - 1 point

so, if you're ever on a country road and you hit something, don't just drive away. it can be made into a healthy, weight watchers diet.