from the desk of a lackey

last night i had a dream that i had to sneak back into my old place of work (which looked mysteriously like a school) and get some stuff or something like that. i ran into a bunch of people i knew who didn't know i was fired. they kept asking me to do stuff for them. the exchange would be "oh, i'm glad you're back! i have all this stuff that i wanted only you to do!" i didn't want to tell them that i wasn't supposed to be there, so i did some of the projects that needed to be done. i snuck into an empty office and, keeping a vigilant eye out for my old boss, completed the work. at one point, i left and needed to come back in, but i didn't have a badge (of course), but you needed to check in with an actual human being, so i told her my name, waiting to be found out. but my name was still on the list. so i got back in. then, at some point, my old boss spotted me, despite my trying to hide from her, but she didn't say anything or do anything. i left shortly after that.

then i went home, where i was hoping my friend Diane would be there, as we had made plans. i saw someone inside the front window (it was a house, not a third-floor condo walk-up) and i thought it was diane. but upon closer inspection, it was my old boss. she wanted to hang out with me and be friends.

this dream made me very very sad. her actions have completely de-railed my life and she couldn't possibly care. and despite the fact that she claimed i was incompetent, you will never convince me (or anyone else i worked with) of that. it was 100% personal and she acted in a way very unbecoming of a manager. of course, she was absolved of all wrong-doing because HER boss supported her.

and it's not like i didn't bust my ass to please her. but every time i forgot something or make a mistake, it was back to square one. because the higher up you go, the less your mistakes matter? no, it's because the transparency gets less and less. the higher you are, the easier it is to lie about your mistakes or hide them from other people. like the emperor's new clothes. people HAVE to believe you. i couldn't call her out on her mistakes... i'm just a lackey. beneath her. less than. and her boss felt the same way about me that she did. so what do you do? try to be perfect? ha. how long can that last? about 6 months with me.

so now i sit here, a temp with no permanence, no hope, no confidence, nothing really to look forward to, because she didn't like me.