flash out of date

so am i.

i moved out to elgin in august of 2014. yeah, it's ok. but what i am noticing is the disappearance of my friends. people don't text me first anymore. i feel like i constantly reach out to people, text text poke email FB instagram. i might get a smiley face or a few words in return.

part of me feels like moving out here and losing my job has been like a slow death. so this is what would happen if i died. people would just move on without me. i thought i was cool. i thought i was nice. i thought i made a difference in people's lives. i guess not.

so what does it take? what does it take to be someone that someone would miss? that someone would miss enough to reach out to? to actually admit that they miss me and tell me such a thing? i shouldn't have to be present in someone's life every fucking day in order to be acknowledged.

ordinarily, i would be at my knit night in Chicago, but i am sick as a dog. so i am at home. i usually ask a few people if they're going to be at lisa's. but the one time i'm not there, does anyone ask me where i am? nope. i am not missed. no one cares if i am not there. if i never went back, it wouldn't even be noticed. my absence is nothing.

i was hanging out with a friend who is clearly in that apathy camp. i ask all these questions, trying to get a feel for what's going on in their life, even when the conversation takes a turn to a single subject that i just don't give a shit about. this person almost never asks about my life. i realized a few weeks ago that i'm really just a place-holder. someone to take up time until a better friend comes along. someone that they might enjoy more. you know what else is a place-holder? the number zero. i am zero to this person. and if this were the only person i was a zero for, maybe it wouldn't bother me so much. but i guess i am a needy stupid piece of shit. i like having friends. i like having people to talk to. i enjoy people who have interesting lives, who have hobbies that they enjoy, even i don't participate in them.

i guess i'm a rarity. maybe i'm just a needy nerd. someone who needs friends so badly that she's willing to sit through BS from someone else who can't take social cues to tell that i'm bored out of my mind talking about certain subjects. but where the hell are all of my friends? where the hell is amy and dawn and kristin and margaret? where the hell is cara and annette and chris and lisa and jenni and barb and rob and bob and shirley? maybe i'm the only who takes "hey, we should do something" seriously.

i guess disappointment is something that an adult should be used to. maybe i'll get a full time job and take classes and be so fucking busy that it won't matter that my friends have all dried up. i'll become famous and rich and not having close friends won't mean anything. or i'll just devote my life to some martial art and get my black belt in 6 months and then kick everyone's ass.

or maybe i'll just sit on the fucking couch, coughing my lungs out, wondering why the hell i'm not missed by anyone. fuck life.