life as (un)planned

i'm not sure who plans out their life in every detail, but several people at least have a basic list of what they'd like to accomplish while they unwind their mortal coil. my plans were to go to college and move to chicago. that's about where they stopped.

it's amazing the unsatisfied path your life takes when you don't make goals for yourself. let me be more clear: obtainable goals. if you're a chick and your goal is to become pope, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. but really, these last 10 years, i feel like i've been dabbling at life, not really immersing myself in anything or getting more than my feet wet.

after i realized how piss-poor the pay was for book designers, i thought i'd try my brain at science. i took anatomy and physiology. i told myself, "self, if you do well in this class, maybe you should consider a career change." i got an A+. i rocked that class. and this was the first class where my teacher said to me, "you're pretty good at this." the only comment i got like that in art school was a laugh when i confirmed with my graphics 1 prof that i declared graphic design as major (not a positive response).

so i continued on. i took biology 121 at harold washington. again, was complimented on my smartz. took college algebra. complimented again. i even managed to get an A in chem 201 and a B in chem 202.

that's where my smartz stop.

i am getting a D in organic chem. ok, now i'm sure a lot of you are saying, "but that class is HARD." it's not, really. there's just a ton to memorize. if this does then, then what's the product? what if it reacts with this? what if it's riding on the Disney monorail and goofy sits on it? but i don't know what it is, but my mind has been on a permanent vacation since about september. i don't know if it's my anti-anxiety med or what, but i have the attention span of a flea. and it's not just school, it's at work, too.

so here is where my dream of curing muscular dystrophy ends. maybe. i guess if i'm not riddled with altzheimers at the tender age of 35 i can carry on when i feel like getting into thiols and hydrobromization. somehow, i doubt that will happen, but hey. who knows?

the real question is: now what?

being a mommy

Gweneth Paltrow says:

“Motherhood enriches your life in the most incredible way. My children have given me a real life. They’ve opened up a new world to me. I never feel lonely, I never feel I don’t know what my purpose in life is any more.”

yes, i would have kids, too, if i was rolling around in the benjamins with a rich-ass husband who was never around. and no shit you never feel lonely... anytime you want to get rid of the brats, you just foist them off on the nanny.

now THAT'S the way to have kids.

hilarious and disgusting.

sigh

i don't understand why some people are managers. just because they might have done a good job in the past in the department doesn't mean that they'll be good at managing people. here's how NOT to manage:

1. wait as long as possible to talk about something that bugs you. if someone does a job that you don't like, harbor resentment and then bring it up at review time, taking the employee completely off-guard.

2. have ZERO sense of humor. and look down on people who like to laugh, joke, be sarcastic and have a good time... unless they're ABOVE you on the food chain.

3. stab people you don't like in the back. make up lies about them and then report them to HR. since you're the boss, HR will believe you over the employee.

4. have your employees send every email that they send out through you, or at least copy you in on it. after it's sent, write the employee and tell them that they did that all wrong and you should have said x, y, and z. this is to make sure that they never forget who's in charge.

5. take work you know is incomplete from your employee to your superior and say that it's a total mess and completely unacceptable. then sit back and wait until your boss confronts your helpless employee and watch them squirm.

6. take responsibility for nothing that your employees do, even though you're supposed to know what they're doing. be sure to turn around and place the blame squarely on the employee's shoulders, even if it was a group project and many other people were involved and at fault. never go to bat for any employee under you.

7. do not develop a rapport with your employees. this might make it harder to be a complete asshat to them later.

8. be sure to report every little mistake your employees make, even if they are the same mistakes you've made yourself. you never know when you're going to have to fire someone. and it's not like the employee does a review of YOU, so who would know about your mistakes, anyway?

9. promise the moon and the stars to your superiors without the full knowledge of the project and no where near the manpower you'll need. then turn around to your employees and demand that they do the work of 3 people flawlessly. don't forget to harass them at every opportunity, especially when your superiors demand to know what's taking so long.

this list will be expanded from time to time. we can all use improvement.